Missed Miscarriage.

 Rainbow

With a heavy broken heart I write this.

At 10 weeks and two days we lost our baby.

I experienced what ‘they’ call 

A silent miscarriage. 

A Missed miscarriage.

When the baby dies and the body doesn’t recognize it.

Typically takes a few weeks for the body to pass the baby.

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

On Thursday 19/July/18  

Mr. R and I were out most of the morning running errands.

Lunch time came around and we decided to drop into Coles and grab a bite to eat before heading home.

After we’d finished shopping, & walked back to the carpark, I  realized we forgot cheese.

So Mr.R ran back in, while I waited in the car.

*Warning TMI ahead …..

I turned the radio and heater on and kicked back in my seat. 

That’s when I noticed my undies felt wet??

Instantly panicked, I pulled my pants down to check. 

It didn’t look good. 

Instinctively I knew something wasn’t right. 

I couldn’t remain calm, I needed answers right away. 

Everything became slow motion.

I ran frantically from the car into Coles trying to find Mr.R.

He was at the self service check out when I blurted “ I’m bleeding, we need to go to the hospital now!!”

He looked shocked,confused and embarrassed. 

I ran back to the car and started the engine. 

Waiting for Mr. R to load the shopping in the boot felt like an eternity. 

When he got in the car Mr.R asked “what’s going on?”..

‘I think I’m f&$@ing bleeding babe … not light spotting, Im really wet down there’ I shrieked at him.  

At the time I was wearing dark purple underwear & couldn’t tell what color the bleeding was. Or if it was even blood? 

My undies were wet through. 

That was enough to freak me out.

We dashed home and called the nurse’s at the fertility clinic and asked what to do . 

Since recently discovering I’m blood type: A-negative,

The nurse advised us to go straight to Emergency and get an Aunti-D injection if I was bleeding.

I was so scared to go to the toilet & see what was happening.

Changed my undies, put a pad on and went for wee. 

Thank god no blood in the stream. 

As I wiped I could see there was bright pink on the paper. Lots of it.

Oh no!!! 

My heart was beating so hard and fast, I felt like fainting.

“Babe, come here!!!” I cried out from the toilet. I held up the paper for Mr.R to see.

His face reflected so much fear. 

“C’mon babe let’s go to the hospital”, he said. 

In emergency I had HCG blood’s taken and was given an Anti-D shot. 

We weren’t able to get an ultrasound until the following day, due to there being no sonographers available. 

Just my luck!

The hospital staff told me not to worry and that I’m probably experiencing ‘Common early pregnancy bleed’. Go home, relax said the doctor & then come back to emergency tomorrow for an ultrasound and follow up on your blood results.

Pffff yeah like f@$k I’ll just relax at home not knowing how my baby is doing.

The bleeding didn’t ease off at all that night. My worst fear was unfolding before me.

Yet I still clung on to some hope.

THE NEXT DAY

Friday 20/July/18

8am the next day the phone rings.. it’s the hospital, a serious sounding woman greets me. “Hello,… we don’t usually do this but could you please come into the hospital for a scan at 10 am?”.

My heart was racing with fear. I tried to think positive  but it was impossible not to think the worst.

Driving back to the hospital we prayed that baby was okay. 

Weighing up all my symptoms; Hadn’t feel like anything was wrong with baby. No cramps, boobs still tender and enlarged. Nothing major stuck out at the time – other than this obvious bleeding.

We arrived at the hospital 15mins early.

Checked into the radiology clinic, sat down and waited.

There were 2 very pregnant women sitting in front of us blissfully happy. What kind of cosmic joke was this!!!!! 

Finally!!!! My name was called. 

Everything felt so surreal.

First we had the external pelvic scan.

And there he/she was!

We could see our baby.

Oh I was so so happy and relieved.

Little legs, arms and bub’s head was  much more developed compared to the little peanut shape we seen at our 6 week scan.

I looked over at Mr.R and I could see him smiling I could almost hear him thinking…“see darl, he/she’s still there, it’s okay!”

The sonographer was quiet and had her poker face on… first thing she said was; “baby’s quite small, I’m just going to take some measurements”.

Then she zoomed right in on Baby.

But bub didn’t look right, it was just slumped there with it’s tiny arms up by its face & no movement.

The sonographer said  “you can empty your bladder now, while I get my assistant, we going to do a transvaginal next’.

I was busting to wee, but didn’t want to go, I was so scared of what I’d see.

I didn’t look, it was the only way to keep functioning.

When I came back to the room.

I could feel something was wrong.

The nurses looked at both my ovaries and baby a few more times. 

Neither said a word. 

There was no emotion in their faces, their eyes already said ‘I’m sorry for your loss’.

I had my fingers tightly crossed.

I glanced over towards Mr.R.

Just moments ago I could see how happy he was & now he looked so concerned. 

The sonographer asked her assistant to get the doctor. 

I stared at my baby in those moments waiting for the Dr to come in.

Etching baby’s image into my memory, the silhouette of our child.

I felt this wasn’t going to end the way we had hoped. 

This may be the last time I see him or her.

The doctor came in and lined up alongside the other two nurses. 

I was asked to hold my breath while they checked baby’s heart beat. 

{The first scan at 6wks – baby’s heart was 157bpm and going strong.}

Today at 10 weeks – no waves on the graph.

The three proffesionals stood there in silence, a blank look on their faces. 

No one said anything.

The screen switched off.

She pulled the probe out.

Still no one said anything.

“There’s no heart beat is there?” I asked.

The doctor shook his head, gave his condolences and left the room.

The sonographer told me to take my time & head back to emergency and wait to talk to obstetrics.

Then, she and her assistant left.

I slumped onto the floor in disbelief, shock. 

Mr.R helped me dress & we walked a few steps down the hall until I couldn’t walk anymore, felt sick and weak! 

A nurse found us slumped on the floor and guided us to a private room where I howled down the hospital.

DIAGNOSIS 

Baby’s heart stopped beating at around 8 weeks old.

No abnormalities showed on the scan.

We were told it was more than likely a chromosomal abnormality.

Nature’s way.

And baby just stopped growing.

No signs or symptoms.

For 2 weeks my body carried on like I was pregnant.

My hormones hadn’t recognized baby had died.

I had no idea.

After further observations in emergency, turns out my cervix was still closed. 

Obstetrics gave me three options.

1: Get knocked out for a dilation and curettage  (D&C)

2: Oral medication which will encouraged bleeding & speed up the process of passing pregnancy tissue, & a night in hospital.

3: Wait and let it happen naturally.

 

I chose to go home and let my body take care of baby naturally.

I wanted to get out of there.

MY LAST NIGHT OF BEING A MUM 

Curled up in bed I cried for hours. I was exhausted.

So heart broken feeling every emotion under the sun.

I decided to tell my body – it’s time to let go.  I used visualization techniques.

Let baby know it was okay to leave.

And how much he/she was loved, how much joy it had bought to our lives.

I apologized to my baby.

I prayed for baby to be safe until we meet again.

OUR GOODBYES 

Saturday 21/July/18

At 7am I woke with mild cramping.

The natural process had begun. It was horrific.

Over the course of the next several hours my body passed our little love.

By 2pm the contractions eased off.

There are no words I can find right now to describe just how shit all of this is.

The last couple of weeks have been a blur.

I’ve felt so numb.

Angry.

Sad.

Tired.

Lonely.

Grieving.

Ashamed.

Remorse.

Inadequate.

Frustrated.

Overwhelmed.

Trapped.

And yet still Hopeful.

Writing this has been closure.

A way to process.

And make it real.

💜Even though our heart’s only beat together for a short time.

You will stay in my heart forever.

Love You Baby AA,

Your mum.💜

RIP Baby AA

23/5/18-21/7/18

 

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11/6/18; Cycle Day 32 – 14DP5DT

DA48B270-A30A-4716-91BB-BB83D43AC0CA507585AC-7AB4-4F23-81A9-8683B910A7DD

It’s been 14 days since Baby moved into my uterus.

Have felt absolutely amazing.  Other than-

Moment I open my eyes these last few mornings, I’ve had a sickly feeling in my guts that turns into instant starvation.  But as soon as I smash breakfast down, that feeling goes away.

Breasts still tender- need a sleeping bra now with lots of padding.

Nails growing fast and stronger than ever before!

My hair is becoming darker than normal: turning from a light mousey brown to a dark brown.

Still extremely  bloated – could be mistaken for 3 months pregnant. I don’t mind 😁

Yesterday it felt like I had PMS today that’s gone.

My bowel movement’s have been outstanding! Only constipated once in the last 14 days. Good old weet-Bix doing its job there.

Ive always been super intune with my body, and swear that these last 3 days I’ve felt Baby and I connecting together. It’s like a deep internal pulling pressure sensation. It’s truly amazing!

Had a digital HPT left over and Mr.R wanted to see what the new reading says compared to our first digital test that read ‘Pregnant 2-3 weeks” tonight it’s “3+Weeks”!!!

what a dream come true!!

We love you Baby poppy Xxx

8/6/18: Cycle day 29!! 11DP5DT > HCG Blood Test Results.

9 extremely long hours I paced around and waited for the clinic to call with our results.

At 4:30pm my phone rang………..I could hear the smile in the nurses Hello.

Congratulations …..”Your Pregnant” She laughed.  At 2 weeks pregnant your levels are good, their 442!

The nurse also said I don’t need to come in for another HCG test….And can go ahead and book my first 7 week scan.

OH MY GOSH! THIS IS ACTUALLY REAL!!!

I was at work when the call came through….and couldn’t wait to get home and tell MR.R.

Words just aren’t enough right now! I’m so so so so so happy. On cloud nine. Feel like the luckiest person alive right now! I’m so thankful!! so grateful! Already love this beautiful being so much. Loved you before you were conceived. Will love you unconditionally. I want you to know you are a dream come true!

I felt you were special from the moment you were transferred.  You tickled my insides and have been doing so ever since.

So happy right now…..May you continue to grow strong and healthy sweet baby…cant wait to see you around the 27th of June and 4th of July.

IMG_1587(Second HPT)

 

 

 

7/6/18: Cycle Day 28 – 10DP5DT

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So blessed to have made this far!

Completely submerged in happiness the last few days.

Can’t help but check my nether regions every couple of seconds, whether i’m in the shops, driving or at work – anywhere really just checking to make sure.

I  felt the need to do another H.P.T last night, as I hoped it turned out to be another positive.  ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Tomorrow is the official  HCG blood test. That will be the validation I need to reassure my mind this is real.

Will get my results back the same day. So glad because I cant wait much longer.

Really hope baby is flourishing and blooming strong in there. xxx

5/6/18: Cycle Day 26 – 8DP5DT – Miracles do happen!

The first night in weeks that I didn’t sweat!!! Nothing at all, it was fantastic waking up dry. Hope this is another good sign.

No spotting – nothing since the 3rd of May.

Feel’s like Aunt Flow is coming today , really hope she goes on vacation for the next 9 months!

Dull sore lower back.

Have a dry blocked nose today.

Not bloated. , but have a sore left ovary.

Stitch above my pelvis, after some light walking.

Achy/heavy legs.

Verry tired all day.

I waited until 9:15 Pm before doing a digital H.P.T.

Decided to use the method of dipping it in a cup of urine instead of peeing on it. % seconds later ……………………

The little loading symbol flashed, my heart raced, I stared intently at the display screen. I waited for what felt like forever…..still nothing – then BAM there she was:

IMG_1564

Haven’t been able to take my eyes of that word pregnant!!! Oh my gosh!

There are no actual words right now that can express this immense joy I’m feeling right now.

I’m in complete shock!

This is an absolute dream come true. So much love. So much happiness.

14 years of  trying,hoping and praying for you! And here you are.

We are over the moon right now.

 

 

 

4/6/18: Cycle day 25 – 7DP5DT- HPT

Woke up completely drenched in sweat again- Yuck.

Before planting my feet on the floor, I quickly checked to see if there was any more spotting. PHEW, thank goodness there was nothing.

Praying yesterday was implantation bleeding……

Couldn’t wait any longer! I had to do a home pregnancy test – at 5:55 Am  I hovered over a stick and prayed to the god’s above.

3 minutes went past and a faint line appeared…..couldn’t believe what I was seeing!!

Never have I EVER seen two lines…. and my brain did not compute for a moment. But my heart knew, and was pounding hard.  Excitement is an understatement….the line is faint but it’s visible. *does happy dance

Mr. R is walking around the house – fist pumping up in the air and laughing to himself.

WOW this is the moment we have been dreaming of and it feels so surreal right now! I want to do another H.P.T right away, but will delay for now. Now its just a matter of getting through the rest of this day without becoming profoundly anxious. Many mixed emotions. Got a good feeling but doubt is ever present.

It’s now 2:30 Pm and so far no more spotting. This is a good sign.  I’ts a safety point; on this same day – Cycle day 7 of our first round, marked the day our cycle came to an end. So far so good!

At 2:40 Pm I felt the need to try another H.P.T just to be certain.

Test #2 another faint line….will wait until tomorrow night and try again on a digital H.P.T.

If I get through all of tomorrow with out any spotting, i’ll feel confident that this is a really really REALLY good omen.

New side effects/symptoms today:

Dripping a creamy discharge this afternoon, didn’t experience this back in January’s IVF – just clumpy pessary mess. My body seems to be absorbing the pessaries much better this time around.

Twinges in my pelvis.

Slight burn/hot fanny sensation. – thinking its the progesterone tablets.

Ovaries feel really sore and swollen.

Cramps around lover front of my tummy. – Not bloated

Still having night sweating- especially around my groin.

Tender breasts.

Smelling wafts of vanilla every where!

Hang in there beautiful baby , we love you. xxxx 

IMG_1559.JPG

(5:55 am H.P.T – This picture doesn’t do it much justice, but there is a faint line there)

 

  • H.P.T = Home Pregnancy Test

3/6/18: Cycle Day 24 – 6DP5DT – Had a fright!

All symptoms have been fairly consistent since the embryo transfer. Not a lot has differed over the last few days, until today.

Today I feel brilliant, like the feeling you get after doing a really good poo.

No bloating or cramping.

No headache.

Still experiencing night sweat’s, and it’s the most horrible thing to wake up to when it’s freezing cold.

Verry, verry  tried by the time late afternoon rolls in.

Had an sore/achy left knee – Weird,  thought i’d note this down as a symptom because it’s really quiet bothersome and just came out of nowhere. Hurts more while laying down (So strange).

At 10 PM I noticed spotting, a tiny pea sized amount that was pinkish in colour.

Then again at 11 PM another tiny drop.

Far out brussel sprout talk about panic….. Full fledged anxiety had kicked in.

No amount of googling or checking my previous symptoms were going to help put my mind at ease – only lead to more doubt. More question’s.

Now I eagerly wait.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1/6/18: Cycle Day 22 (9 day old hatchling/ implanting) 4DP5DET

That progesterone is really doing a number on my titties. Super tender & swollen breasts.

Not as bloated as I was yesterday. Don’t look three months pregnant today.

A little groggy & cramping like PMS, could it be hormonal?

Sweaty groin and legs last night.

Nose not blocked, clear again.

Temperature at 2:45 pm was 36.7 C- slight elevation, Implantation maybe?

will check temp. again at 9 pm tonight.

Tiny headache hear and there more like a pressure around the base of the neck and temples. Good old progesterone.

Been eating a few slices of fresh pineapple every evening since the transfer. Hope that Bromelain gives baby a sticky boost.

Sort of looking forward to getting back to work next week so I can have a distraction.

 

 

 

 

31/5/18: Cycle Day 21 (8 day old hatchling) 3DP5DET

Small bursts of nausea late last night.

Quiet gassy early morning, like I usually get before Aunt flow arrives.

Gurgling in the lower abdomen, achy lower back.

Bloated.

Sweaty again last night. mainly crotch, legs and my back area. Thinking this is the progesterone.

Took my temperature at 9 pm was 36.3 Celsius. Normal.

Off & on headache.

Been feeling quite anxious today as these are almost the same lot of symptoms ( minus a few) that I had during our first attempt at IVF. (not liking the word “failed”).

Being able to reflect back to old notes has been great up until now….

I can see – on this day during January’s first round, my symptoms are almost the same. This concerns me, but i’m also working hard to remind my self that Pregnancy symptoms can be similar to PMS and Progesterone can mock pregnancy symptoms. Oh theirs to many variables!!!  But knowing that at 6DP5DET on our first IVF try , I began bleeding.  It’s giving me anxiety. I hope with every single fiber of my being that this little one implants in and sticks.

 

 

 

29/5/18: Cycle Day 19 – (6 day old blastocyst) 1DP5DET

Still taking Progesterone 3x a day. Total of 300mg

Laboratory phoned with an update on the 3rd embryo.  It made it!!

We now have two embryos that can be frozen. SO HAPPY! They can keep one another company. They are Grade 3-AB & 4-AB! good one guys.

Really hope Em-baby #1 is making itself comfortable and burrowing into my uterus.

Slept all of yesterday and most of today. Very grateful that my employer has allowed me the flexibility to have this week off guilt free.

 

 

IMG_1546

(feeling good today)

*1DP5DET = 1 Day Past 5 Day Embryo Transfer

*Em-baby = Embryo Baby

28/5/18: Cycle Day 18 – Embryo Transfer! – 5 day old blastocyst

IMG_1550 (2)

Meet our Grade AA embryo.

She or He was transferred at 11:15 am.

Verry pleased that we made a good quality em-baby’s this time. Believe the the CO-Q-10 supplements I’d began taking in February helped.

We were also blessed with more good news this morning….One embryo is a 4-AB and good for cryopreservation (freezing)!!

The other is a little behind, the lab will continue monitoring it for a further 24 hours to see if it catches up to its sibling.

Fingers tightly crossed.

I woke this morning with an upset belly needing to go to the toilet (a lot) for number two’s. Drank way to much chocolate milk last night and it didn’t agree with me. Dam it!  was starting to worry i’d never get off the toilet in time for the procedure.

Finally my guts gave me a break just in the nick of time. ( And yes I washed my behind before leaving)  Now I have to drink 500 ml of water before I get there.

Arrived at the lab with a full bladder, busting to get my legs up in the air.

Thankfully I didn’t have the same embryologist as my first transfer. (where the poor Dr had a tremor during the procedure) every thing went very well.

Although I did have an unusual personal experience that I thought was worth noting:  Tilted back in the chair, speculum in place, catheter inserted – Now here comes the embryo and woosh… up it goes.

This is the strange part. The verry  moment embryo touched my uterus – I felt a tickle in the back of my throat my eyes watered and I began uncontrollably coughing. nearly coughed the speculum across the room!

Tickled my insides….so weird.

45 minutes after the transfer, I had a random puke. Also weird, but felt completely fine.

Always have such an eventful time at that laboratory.

Praying this one implants and nestles in comfortably.

Lab will call tomorrow with an update on the 3rd Em-baby.

 

 

 

 

 

27/5/18: Cycle Day 17, Transfer Eve – Progesterone 3x per day 300mg

6787DAB4-2B73-499C-9FA9-72E4B2A0BABE

🌀Woke bright and early to shove a pill up my fanny, And couldn’t get back to sleep. 

Today is transfer eve! 

Completely overjoyed to have made it this far.

Spent the day listing to great tunes, eating and nesting.

Cleaned out and rearranged the entire house. 

All while dropping a few dance moves to loosen up.

The pad feels lovely and fresh. 

I feel fresh.

All my cramping post aspiration has finally gone.

There’s an air of tranquility again.

Got the pineapple sliced up and ready to rock and roll.

Praying our 3 embryos spent the weekend happily growing strong and healthy.  

Tomorrow they will be 5 day old blastocyst’s.

XXX XXX XXX

Saturday 26th May: Cycle Day 16 – Embryo’s 3rd day (They hung in there)- Progesterone day 2

9 am the phone rang, right away I knew it was the Lab.

A sweet voice announced “ good morning , we are happy to tell you that you’re 3 embryo’s made it to day three and are cell dividing very well.’

Woohooo YES! Thank You universe!!!

Our Embryo’s are a 6 cell, 8 cell and a 10 cell.

Well done little ones!!

Keep blooming strong and we look forward to meeting you on transfer day Monday coming.

 

Boobs are becoming very large and their still sore.

Sweaty groin during the night, Spotting stopped today.

Still have slight pains and twinge’s in my abdomen/ovaries…hope this goes away by tomorrow.

25/5/18: Cycle day 15 – Embryo’s Day 2: Start Progesterone Pessaries

Boobs have gone into “can’t be touched mode”.

Feeling very depleted of energy ….and still tender in the abdomen/ovary region.

Lower back is achy & the spotting is nearly gone.

So different in comparison to my first egg collection, I bounced back quite well on the first aspiration.

Find out how our three embryos are growing tomorrow morning. Praying they are flourishing and becoming strong.

24/5/18: Cycle Day 14 – Embryo’s Day 1

Three fertilized!

I’m so happy. That’s 50% success.

1 Follicle was too mature to use.

1 was no good and the other didn’t fertilize.

But three of those beauties sparked and made new life.

Now we wait till the 26th for the lab to phone with another update on our three embryo’s development.  

 

Sore Boobs today.

Craving milk.

Quite lethargic from yesterday’s anesethic. Napped most of the day.

Still bleeding, But not as heavy as yesterday more like light spotting now.

Have a fair bit of tight bloating and am still quiet sore from the procedure.

Probably shouldn’t have gone to work this evening, but my shift was only for two hours, can’t complain with that.

23rd May 2018 Cycle Day 13 – EGG RETRIEVAL – day 0

My amazing Mum took time off from her work to come and be by my side today. Mum awoke before the sun, and drove through dark winding roads: for 45 minutes with phenomena to pick me up and drive me another 1/2 hour to the day surgery clinic by 7:30 am.

And what do I go and do…. have a mini melt down at Mum over the stupidest thing. I felt and still feel really horrible. If you ever read this Mum I am really sorry.

Now i’m not using this as an excuse, but upon some hindsight I’ve realized that its not the first time I’ve had a moment of rage and behaving out of character in the past week. Just the other day I found my self in a heated conversation, in a public place loosing my cool, saying some really hurtful things to some poor person I’ve only ever met a few times. That’s not like me at all.

Hormones??

My GP labeled it “Mamma Bear Syndrome”, and told me to cool my heaters until we have a baby on board.

Going to really practice thinking before speaking over the next few days.

The whole procedure only took twenty five minutes to complete. As I woke from the anesthetic, obviously my first question was “how many did they get?’

“Look at your palm” said a recovery nurse.

Written in blue pen was the number 6.

Six follicles!!!

1 extra than anticipated and Spot on- same number as the first round of IVF.

Two hours later I was good to go home.

Had heavy bleeding afterwards and was quite sore once the drugs wore off. Downed a couple of Panadol and slept the rest of the day.

Tomorrow the lab will ring me with the results on how fertilisation went via ICSI.
fingers and legs crossed xxx xxx

21/5/18: Cycle Day 11 – TRIGGER SHOT of Ovidrel tonight Bloods and Scan today

7am I arrived at the fertility clinic for our head count from the transvaginal scan – 5 follicles seen on the screen.

Apparently I have a text book endometrium. Nurse was impressed.

Have to admit I’m disappointed with my body’s inability to produce any more than a dozen eggs.

I was really hoping to get more this time, but I’m grateful to have any at all.

Asked the nurse about my hot reaction towards the orgalutran last night, She said this can sometimes be a common side effect and its nothing to worry about…phew.

Left the clinic at 8:30am and went back to my daily business.
Watching the phone and waiting for the clinic to call all day. Finally late arvo my blood results were in and everything looked great… booked in for egg retrieval on Wednesday 23/5/18 @ 7:30am.

No Gonal f or Orgalutran tonight just an east Trigger shot instead. Very pleased indeed.

20/5/18: Cycle Day 10! Orgalutran and gonal f

Had another try at administering both the gonal f and Orgalutran tonight. This time I made sure to release the air bubble from the syringe.

With a numb tum from my magic cream I went about my business within a couple of minutes. Applied pressure to both injection sites and kicked back.

About 5 mins afterwards I felt a hot sting that was worse than usual, I sat up and noticed my tummy was really red and even hot to touch right around the site of the Org shot.

Hadn’t experienced any reaction’s using the Orgalutran before this. Just my luck, hope it wasn’t anything I’d done. Being a newbie to this Org administration I was worried the needle may not have penetrated through properly. Mr.R found me an ice pack which helped cool down the splotchy red patch, then not after it disappeared.

Have Bloods and Scan tomorrow. While I’m there will ask about my strange reaction to the Org.

19/5/18 Cycle Day 9 of Gonal f + Orgalutran

Oh dear me, tonight was a whole new experience. I had to administer BOTH shots on my own. Mr. R wasn’t around to lend a helping hand. When 9pm clicked over and I freaked out….my palms were beyond sweaty they became their own tropical thunderstorm. Trembling and dripping wet I seriously contemplated asking my neighbour to do it for me. I had no faith in myself and time was ticking by really fast, I had to suck it up and do it.

But I couldn’t…..I panicked and was about to rush myself to the hospital.

Drastic I know but at the time I was feeling so overwhelmed I couldn’t think straight. Felt like a matter of life and death and to put extra heat on the subject, I had a limited amount of time to get this Org in my belly. Like 2 minutes ago.

I sat down and messaged my Mum for support. And those words of encouragement came flooding across. At first I’m all – Mum help me!!

I can’t do this. Too hard to stressful, Mr.R is unreliable, Going to cancel the cycle and a heap of self-pity rants. rah rah rah.

Mum keeping her calm disposition replied “Oh luv, if you can’t do it that’s ok “.

I looked at the clock and more than ½ hour has passed now. F*%k it, I can do this!

Picked up that Org and poked it into my skin, was tuff had to give a bit of oomph behind it, I could feel the needle penetrate through to my abdominal cavity, it kind of went – Pop, then I plunged that medicine into my belly.

As I was injecting the Org I realized mid-way that I forgot to squeeze out the huge air bubble in the syringe. I wasn’t about to stop now. Nope no way.

Continued to push the liquid in, as the vile emptied – it kind of farted into my belly. Made me laugh, such a bizarre feeling. Oh well that wasn’t as bad as I was carrying on about. And a good lesson learned, I won’t forget to clear the air bubble ever again. And I did it! All by myself…. Did it for those sweet follicle-baby’s!

17/5/18, Sims Cycle Day 7, Gonal f + Orgalutran

It’s occurred to me that even with my upped dose of med’s I’ve experienced next to no side effects at all.

Apart from my periods easing off earlier than normal I’ve had no symptoms compared to the first round.

Period has completely gone today.

Noticeable ovulation signs appeared. I remember this concerned me the first IVF round and I rang the fertility nurse, she reassured me that this is a completely normal experience while taking this medication.

Took both jabs of Org and Gonal f like a champion. Stoked 🙂

IMG_1439 (Edited)

 

16/5/18 Cycle Day 6, 5th Shot, Began Orgalutran 250ug + Gonal f 275

IMG_1432 (Edited)

Armed with my trusty Emla cream whacked on a good dob half hour before injection’s.

First off the Gonal f – that’s a breeze at this stage.

Mr.R administered the Org, still can’t bring myself to do that one. Couldn’t feel the needle thank goodness oh it was marvelous.  But unfortunately Emla doesn’t help with that after burn of the medicine as it trickles through. Thankfully this sensation only last a couple of minutes.

I can cop that.

Not always rainbows and butterflies

DD7C50DD-A5E9-4078-A6F1-A701E060BA23

Cycle day 5

4th simulation; and it was a double shot

15/5/18

Gonal f 275units

🌀 Tonight’s Gonal f was a double shot!

To minimize waste we used the remaining 75units from the first pen and load 200 into a new pen. 

Each come with 900units… had to apply some mathematics to tonight’s scenario. 

Tomorrow night is the dreaded Orgalutran + Gonal f, glad Mr. R and I have finally patched up our issues. Because I’m not brave enough to do that Orgalutran myself.

We’ve been making an effort to communicate better, both have had a fair bit of work related pressure last few months and I suppose it unknowingly got the better of us.

Mr. R’s work has changed his roster from full time to casual and it’s been a big adjustment. They keep promising full time shifts and it just hasn’t happened yet. Last week I made a decision not to work full time while going through IVF, only working a few hours a day… I got a touch of the guilt’s. But I made a choice, it wasn’t an easy one. I decided to use this time wisely. whole heartedly focus on creating a life and look after my self properly -without the added stress of an employer who doesn’t give a rats ass about my circumstance. 

Definitely easier said than done this trying to remain relaxed business. I’ll continue to realign and focus on the positives. 

Still learning to ride these waves of life. 

4C6BB0F2-79EB-43FC-B2DF-E1344F63D4AC5A47F8EC-AA4A-42E5-BC6A-B0554E44288585BD0D02-9A3C-4126-A253-617B1F9D9BBB

Cycle day 4: 3rd Stim injection 14/5/8

Well I nearly backed out of the injection tonight.

Things on the home front have taken a turn.

The other half and I aren’t seeing eye to eye on a lot of things at the moment. 

It’s as if our values and morals have completely shifted to polar opposites right now.

Mr. R has even moved out of the bed room over the last few nights. 

It’s been really fucking difficult!

My positive mental state has  slipped right out from underneath me. 

We had an argument right bang on when we were due to do our injections last night. 

Luckily we have a half an hour time frame to do the shot. Otherwise I could have completely ruined everything that We’ve worked so hard towards. 

“Sometimes” I get a bit hot headed and loose control of my emotions. 

Thankfully Mr. R is the cool calm and collected one ….( emotionally withdrawn at times) but while my reptilian brain was having a melt down, Mr.R prepared my injection and handed me a swab and sternly yelled ‘please can we just do this and not argue!’ ….. I snatched the swab from his hand ,cleaned my belly and angrily jabbed in the Gonal f.

Phew!!

geez just in the nick of time.

Not sure if I’m overly sensitive right now due to the meds… I don’t feel narky. 

Or I could just be ignorant – not quite sure at the moment. 

Cycle day 3 Second stim shot 13/5/18 Mother’s Day

🌀 Yup pretty pleased with how the Gonal f just sides right in.

The pen is so big and bulky I can’t grip it properly with out it slipping, so I’ve discovered a rubber glove helps with grip & I’m not applying any excess pressure on the injection site than I need to.

Noticed my period came to a halt today…stims must be kicking in already. 

Cycle day 2 12/5/18 1st injection of Gonal f 275

No anxiety with the needle this time … right in it went.

Didn’t even procrastinate. 

Blood amazing. 

Seriously! I use to faint at the sight of a needle. Even pass out watching someone else have an injection – I’d totally steal the spotlight and end up on the floor. 

Not no more! 

Am a bit nervous about the Orgalutran shot.. but that’s days away yet!

Cycle Day 1 – Round 2 of IVF 11th May 2018

🌀 Finally!! We’re here.

Rang the fertility clinic early this morning to let them know full flow has arrived.

I was eager to ring the day before,but the nurse specifically told me not to call the second have spotting, but wait until a heavy heavy flow sets in. So I waited some more then…

A nurse from the clinic called me back with our new schedule.

We’re officially “booked on”. 

And Recombinant human follicle stimulation begins tomorrow night at 9pm.

 

Better late than never –

Starting our second round of IVF in April wasn’t meant to be.

Instead this was time to heal my mind, body and perform a soul detox.

First two weeks of April I had a nasty head cold.

This earthling was run down; liver and kidney functions were elevated – Working hard to filter out the waste.

I don’t think the fertility medications were the sole cause, but a combination of 2 lots of surgery and 3 hits of anesethic within the last 6 months, kinda knocked me around a tad.

Our fertility specialist thought it would be better to wait 6-8 weeks until my bloods returned back to normal.

Also during this time I was to have a small lump in my breast checked.  This pesky thing has been there for over 10 years now. In my early 20’s a GP gave me one of those self-examination’s and told me it was nothing to worry about. So I ignored it.

{Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not as if I just carried on through life without giving this a second thought. It ALWAYS bothers me, constantly lingering around the back of my mind. The lump can get so sore I can’t wear a bra; sometimes it’s itchy and red. Poor Mr.R has been restricted to fun time with just the single righty for over a decade; he’s not allowed to touch it!! I can’t even touch it with my bare hands without feeling faint hearted. My left boob is basically a virgin again. The more I thought about all the ‘what if’s’, the more I scared myself into thinking the worst and fear got in the way- along with many other things and I just put up with it.}

So I basically neglected my breast for 13 years. Until…….

IVF!  ‘She’ (Being my boob) became extra-super sensitive and unbearably sore. All my fears bubbled up to the surface, but this time life has taught me a lesson or two and I now know better – Prevention and early detection IS better than a cure.

So I fessed up (nope I lie….Actually Mr.R did) to our FS, she wanted me to have a mammogram and ultrasound to be on the safe side and put my mind at ease.

The ball was back in my court and up to me to book the appointment and finally face my fears.

I put it off for 3 week’s, then bit the bullet and got it over and done with. Wasn’t as bad as anticipated, uncomfortable but not painful. Thankfully the news was good. A 2mm cyst of no significance nestled in my breast gland at 2 o-clock.  In my gland!! No wonder it gets sore.

Wow!!!

Word’s cannot describe the relief I feel. All that worrying – GONE!

So toxic all those years of built up angst. Wasn’t aware how much it was actually eating me up until I learned I could let go of all that fear of uncertainty. I can breathe again.

And……

My bloods eventually came back good the first week of May, and this lucky duck has been given the all clear to go ahead with IVF.

Finally for the first time in …feels like forever I have a strong positive mind set, and at the healthiest I’ve ever been.

What a challenge it’s been. Completely worth every drop of blood sweat and tears.

The mind and body are at an even keel. This already is a dream come true.

Can’t wait for what the universe has to offer me next!

I’m going to continue to document our journey. Coz’ I can see in my mind’s eye… down the future, showing our son/daughter this when they are older, and that warms the cockles of my heart.

Ready For Round 2!DSCN0469 (2)

 

 

*FS: Fertility Specialist

*ICSI: Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection

I.V.F/I.C.S.I Cycle Round 2

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Two months since our first attempt at making a baby. We’re ready to have another crack!

A couple week’s ago – met with our fertility specialist, and discussed the new treatment plan for our second ICSI cycle. Start round 2 next period, due 13th April 2018.

The first try we were unsuccessful in storing any frostie embryos, which means I’ll be going through the whole stimulation process again.

But this time I’ll be taking 275iu of Gonal F (FSH), instead of 225iu. Hoping we get double the amount of good quality eggs with this higher dose.

Not feeling as overwhelmed heading forward with this round, compared to the first go.

That was our practice run. Having a better understanding of the whole process, the sequence in how to administer the medicine and a general idea of the side effects, should take a heap of stress out of the equation.

Counting down the days until my next period.

10th day after embryo transfer. Day before pregnancy test.

Awoke with a full flowing period.
The sadness is so heavy in my heart.
Think I knew this was happening on day 7 but didn’t want to let go of hope yet!

Called the clinic right away.
When reception answered, I couldn’t muscle up those words over the phone.
Saying it out loud was so hard!
My voice cracked, no words could come out… instead I cried and mumbled “period is here!”

A nurse called me back right away.
She tried to be sympathetic and I know she meant well but the old “oh well, not to worry” line, kind of was a kick in the throat!

She confirmed there is no need for me to come in for final Bloods tomorrow, Seeing as tho I’m experiencing a full flow.

Instead I booked in our next consultation for 14 March 2018.

I’ve completely and utterly beat my self up “mentally” over the last couple of days.
Now I’m going to let this treasured soul go peacefully.

 

9th day after embryo transfer

Not so wet with sweat this morning.
Mild compared to the last couple of nights.
Still spotting this morning.

Nurse rang me and checked in at lunch time.
I told her that I gave in this morning and done a home pregnancy test.
Came back negative.

“Mmm”..Says the nurse.
“Well I would expect something to show up by now, so maybe be prepared for when you get your blood results on Friday.” She said.
“could still be early days” she reminds me…”and may come back positive.”
Although she did mention if my bleeding turns red to give the clinic a call right away.

Had light spotting all day.
Pinky/ Brown- until later in the evening when pink turned to red fresh red. Even showing on the tissue after a wee.
Not a lot but enough to scare me back to reality.
I’m really hoping this is late implantation bleeding.
Will ring the clinic first thing in the morning.
So very hard not to be upset already.
Remaining cautiously optimistic.
Don’t want to unnecessary stress out the body and mind any more than it’s been through these last few months.
Its been difficult these last few days to stay positive.I’m not going to sugar coat bullshit it’s been fucking hard.cant stop crying.

Google has been my best and worst enemy during this 2WW.
On one hand there is this amazing IVF and TTC community {and so many others}, who have been so supportive and inspiring.
The kindness of so many amazing strangers sharing their stories & Extending the hand of friendship just Hits me right in the feels!!

Then on the other hand, argh bloody google, I can’t but help searching symptoms , possible causes, joining hundreds of different forums, to read the final feed & see if others outcome was positive, comparing my self to others…..NOPE!
Ahh hah NO, Not doing this to myself no more.
What am I thinking I know better than this, can’t compare myself to any one else. every one is so different & going through their own journey. I’m only driving my self nuts and opening more unknown questions.
Only a few more days till I get the final results.
I’m holding on tight.
And praying for a miracle.

 

8th day after embryo transfer

Woke covered in sweat again,quickly checked downstairs – no blood on the liner….phew.
So confused.
Feel really crappy today.
Low energy – lethargic. So tired.
Cramps.
Back is killing me.

Extremely concerned, I ring the clinic and spoke with a nurse.
She wanted me to go see my gp and rule out a fever, which could be a possible infection that’s causing the excessive sweating.
Later that arvo & had seen my GP. My temperature was only slightly elevated 37 degrees- so that ruled out a fever.
Had some bloods to check my electrolytes, glucose, a few other goodies. Also had a nose swab to check for a lung virus.
Nice way to freak me the Eff out Doc.
Still no bleeding by lunch time.

Go to work later that evening, only for a few hours.
When I arrived home….I noticed lightly spotting again.
Still pink…mixed with pessaries.
Shit!!!
The nurse gave me so many possible causes…irritated uterus from the progesterone.
Baby Implantation.
Endometrium thinning.
Possible period coming.
Change in hormones.
Agghhhgg!!
Only a couple more days left till bloods.
Nurse asked if I can brave the pessaries a couple more days….Of course I can.

Again at about 4 pm I noticed more spotting- maybe slightly more than spotting but not flowing.
I’m so confused right now. Completely emotionally exhausted.
Still have much hope for this little baby.

7th day after embryo transfer

Monday morning Day 7, I woke up in a sweat, sheets and nickers soaked through.
Hot cold flushes through out the day.
Have had a lot of cramping.
No sore boobs.
Very bloated.
Thirsty- dry mouth.
Aching sore lower back.
When I applied my morning progesterone pessary, noticed it was unusually difficult to insert …similar to putting a tampon in wrong, the tablet also was burning..hadn’t experienced this before.

Later that night I felt damp downstairs….quickly checked and I seen blood.
Light pink..more than spotting, but not like Aunt flow.
Instantly felt faint.
My heart sunk…I thought I had prepared my self for the worst.
Nope.
I broke down.
Eventually pulled my self back together, changed a new liner and went to bed.

6th day after embryo transfer

Aggh can’t help obsessing over every symptom that turns up.
Heartburn is a new one.
Bloating has subsided and the
boobies aren’t as sore either.
Waking up absolutely starving last few mornings, and this is not the norm, usually Its a force feed session.

3rd day after the embryo transfer I came down with mild cold-like symptoms… blocked nose and sneezing.
Apparently this phenomenon is commonly known as the “IVF cold” which is caused by changing hormones.
Thankfully no more blocked nose or irrational sneezing today.

Warning TMI….
After 3 x per day for the last 10 days, I’ve mastered these progesterone fanny bullets. Not as much chalky discharge either, seems to be sucking right up there and working their magic.

Difficult to differentiate from drug side effects, PMS, or early pregnancy symptoms.
Very tempted to take a home pregnancy test.
But I’ll hold off, at least till the day before bloods are due, which is on the 16/2/18.

Finally have started to enjoy this 2ww, just the notion of all the positive possibilities that lay ahead has a really lifted my spirits.
Being able to finally see light at the end of this tunnel after such a long trek in the dark.
Remaining realistic yet more hopeful than ever before.

 

Day 7 – 7/2/18 2nd day after Blastocyst transfer

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Super tired last couple of days.
Lower Back still sore as buggary.
Boobs are a no go zone.. to sore to even wear a bra.
Still having cramps on and off.
Dreading going to work right now it’s crazy hot here in Adelaide.
39• in the shade… I kid you not.

Had a nap before work this afternoon..
Had a vivid dream, that I went to the loo and noticed light spotting & being an early sign that baby has implanted down… I experienced that feeling of utter joy and happiness.. ran to the phone to ring my mum, & tell her the good news… then I was woken back to reality, with my mobile ringing….

It was the Lab with my update.
The other two embryos didn’t catch up as required for freezing. They have to be discarded.
The embryologist reiterated ,the one that was transferred is a good egg!

I don’t know quite how I feel about this at the moment.
Mixed emotions seems to be the running theme this week.

Although that dream left me hopeful…. I’ve had a dream or two that have come true before . Hope this is one of them. 💫✨🍀🤞

keep blossoming my beautiful nugget! You have bought so much joy to us already.

 

Day 6 – 6/2/18 First day after blastocyst transfer

 

Well it’s taken me a few days to be able to even reflect back over today.

I was in a complete funk! Poor Mr.R, it was his birthday too.
I was cranky, happy this was happening , sad for no reason, excited for the fact I could see a future for the first time in ages, angry about what happened yesterday, scared it won’t work, hope it will work, afraid of going back to work tomorrow that involves heavy Labor..carrying equipment up and down stairs- pushing heavy trolleys- Lifting heavy bags. All while trying to remain positive knocking out each bad thought as they invade my brain …this was exhausting!
I slept most of the day. And when I was up, walked around like I was made of glass.

Had major cramps all night and a tight sensation around my lower belly.
Insanely sore boobs,
Bloating is wild.. already look preggerz… sore lower back , these progesterone pessaries 100mg 3 x per day are intense.
They definitely hold the force!!
Hope these cramps are baby hatching out, becoming comfortable and burrowing into my uterus.
Hope the other two are also going healthy strong.
Hanging out for this next call from the Laboratory.

Day 5 – 5/2/18 Blastocyst Transfer Day

EF4D607C-40AA-486A-BB9D-8B010B01C733(Heading in)

Haven’t received another update from the Lab since day 3.
My Transfer was scheduled for 1:15pm today.
These last few days have felt like an eternity.

walking into the waiting room, and see all three of the women I shared egg collection day with. Now we were all here for embryo transfer.
Was a great feeling, to see we all made it this far.

I was the last to go in….
after so much build up and many complex procedures to get here, Embryo transfer seems almost too simplistic.
All the procedure’s before me were super fast, 5 mins tops!
Good timing, because I was starting to bust for the loo.

Into the room I go – where it all happens.
First thing I ask “how are my Embryos?”
The nurse says “will tell you right after the procedure is finished.”

Righty’o, so I’m laying there legs spread thinking…
This must mean – if I haven’t been given an option of how many embryos to implant…only one must have survived thus far.
Still very grateful to even have one chance, but confused as to why they wouldn’t disclose this to me first.

Before I could ask, the catheter was in. Didn’t feel a thing.
Assistant nurse brings over our blastocyst in an extra long straw.
Then I couldn’t see much else, there was a curtain pulled up.
Couldn’t even see the screen!!!! That was very frustrating, the sonographer was completely blocking my view.
Then I feel something strange…
What’s going on here?? A vibrating sensation on my inner thigh… shit, realizing what was happening, The doctor in between my legs confirms my concern … he was having a tremor attack right in the middle of the procedure!!!!!
And then comments to the embryologist “oh my I haven’t had one of these in a while” heavily breathing down my crotch, getting himself back together.
Then pulls out the tube – checked to make sure the embryo wasn’t stuck to the plastic.
Confirmed- All good.
Doctor leaves the room briefly. (to gather himself together I’m guessing ..)
WHAT JUST HAPPENED HERE ???!!
Still got my legs spread & fanny out. I was shocked & didn’t know what to say right at this point.
The embryologist squats beside me hands me a photo of our little survivor that was buzzed up in me.
Then proceeds to tell me the other two embryos have slowed down. But the Lab will continue to incubate them for a few more days to see if they catch up, And will ring me Wednesday 7/2/18 with another update.

I left the building feeling uncertain about what I thought was meant to be a delicate & precise placement of the blastocyst.
I was angry at why! Why did his tremor have to happen me?
Then I felt sad for the doctor, as it wouldn’t have been a nice experience for him either.

Oh gosh talk about mixed emotions.
And all this has happened in a time frame of only 10 minuets.
At the same time I felt positive baby got where it had to go.
Nurse confirmed that there was no embryo in the tube.
So I need to settle with that and…start this 2WW on that positive high note.
grading was pretty good as well…little bub Is a 4bb.🌕

Sat in the carpark, gazing at the picture of our little blastocyst. This could possibly be our future child. Such an overwhelming sensation of hope.
I just sat there and cried.
So many emotions.
settle in little one!
Hope you stick like Araldite glue!!

C86D9346-A94D-495E-B22A-43B2A1BBC0AE.jpeg(Day 5 ,blastocyst baby)

Day 3 3/2/18 EMBRYO UPDATE

Embryologist rang this morning at 11:30am.
Holding my breath.
Analyzing the tone in which she said good morning.
Was she positive? or was she sympathetic? She sounded so neutral it was hard to tell.
Still holding My breath I turned the phone on loud speaker for Mr.R to hear.

Wonderful, wonderful news!!!!
All three made it to day 3🌕🌕🌕
Oh wow, THANK YOU UNIVERSE!!
We cried and laughed, held hands and bounced up and down around in circles on the side of the foot path up the Main Street.

One embryo has 10 cells 🌕
Another has 8 cells 🌕
And the other has 5 cells. 🌕

Our Embryologist told us not to write off “5 Cell” yet.
She said that the embryos were checked early morning, and a lot could develop & grow in a couple of hours it’s still possible at this stage, that embryo will catch up with the other two.
All embryos are growing strong and looking normal.
We are thrilled.

Won’t get another update until the day of implant which is this Monday 5/2/18.🤞🤞🤞

Have never felt so compelled to put positive vibes out to the universe so that Embryo baby’s can feel the immense love I already have for them.

May the gods above bless all three embryos.
Hoping and sending wishes to the universe that they all continue to thrive and develop strong.
Till Monday little ones.
Grow well.💜💕

 

 

2/2/18 Day 2 – After Egg Retrieval

🌀 Wow that anesthetic knocked me around more than expected.
Still quite groggy today but physically feel great!!

Mr.R said to me today “I just wish we could break into the clinic and watch our babies grow & keep them safe?”
Gosh….What a man!!
Love him to bits.
And yes, the thought had already crossed my mind aswell.

My experience with progesterone so far;
Warning TMI (too much information) ahead –
Ok so not sure if I’m inserting the tablet up far enough?
Seems there is a lot of chalk like residue in my undies.
A lot!
Have opted for panty liners during this process.
Be gone – unexpected putty leakages.
I’m not a tampon user so this applicator thing has been a tiny bit awkward for me to get use to.
Has any one else out there experienced this kind of mess/residue leaking?
Is this normal?
I’m going try making sure I get the applicator right up there tomorrow see if that makes any difference.

Praying all 3 embryos make it thriving tomorrow!

 

1/2/18 Day 1: After Egg Retrieval

Feeling really lethargic from the anesthetic….luckily I don’t have to start work till later in the evening. So I slept for most of the day – with the phone close by.

No more bleeding when I awoke.
Ovaries feel like a cramp – tight sensation , nothing major.
Feeling really really nervous, anxious, and still coming to terms with everything that has happened over the last few months. Everything has lead us to this blessed chapter in our lives.
Mixed emotions – very hopeful yet those moments of fear creep up and knock me down.
It’s hard at times to remain positive.
But I’m trying.
We are so lucky to be in a position where we are able to have a go at IVF -conceiving a child together is the one thing both of us have always wanted the most.

Feel like I can’t breathe right now, waiting for this phone call from the embryologist.
It’s nearly 2:15pm and still no call from the clinic.
Contemplating calling them my self, Before I wear a hole in the carpet.

2:30pm
The call came.
All 6 follicles were a good size upon collection, and all follicles were injected with high grade sperm.
Unfortunately only 3 made it.

But that’s 3 embryos!!!
We are over the moon.
So bloody happy!!!!
Come on embryo babies we are praying you ALL make it strong and healthy.
Next call from the clinic will be Saturday 3/2/18.

trying not to dwell on the three that we lost. I cried for them. Then picked my self up and focused on the positive instead.

Tomorrow I start vaginal tablets 3 times per day of =
(progesterone 100mg).

 

31/1/18 Day 0 Egg Collection Day!

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Mr.R began a new job yesterday and wasn’t able to take time off to cheer me on today.
Luckily we already have his sperm on ice, & Instead he can be useful elsewhere.
Mum kindly took the day off work (last minute) and came to support me.
Extra special being able to share this experience with my Mum!!
And of all the dates….Egg retrieval falls right on the night of a rare blue moon and a lunar eclipse!
This is a high energy day.. feeling really positive.

Six eggs were collected
😆😆😆
😆😆😆
Considering I have an extremely low reserve I continue to tell my self this is a good number. I remain hopeful and feeling pretty lucky today🐞

After ER
Woke up really well from the anesthetic.
Feel good, not in any pain.
Light bleeding.
Legs are a touch achey from being spread wide open in stirrups, been a while since I’ve had my legs that far apart.
Observations checked out well.
Managed to void easily.
Nurse bought me a sandwich and a cuppa tea.
Smashed that down , was starving!
The nurse told me they will call with an update tomorrow.
She pulled out the JELCO (I.V Drip) out of my hand then I Got dressed and walked out, an hour and a half later.

To think in just a few hours time, Mr.R’s Sperm and Miss Frigg’s egg’s finally get to meet each other.

This feels so surreal.
We are praying for you babies.✨

Now we wait for the phone call tomorrow to hear how fertilization went🤞

 

Cycle day 10 30/1/18 Needle free night.

🌀 No injection’s tonight.
Egg retrieval tomorrow.
Had a fright today, noticed signs of ovulation, decide to call the
Fertility Nurse and she reassured me this symptom was normal during assisted treatment.
Feeling quite anxious and excited for Wednesday’s egg retrieval.
Don’t think much sleep will be happening.
Tonight at what would have been injection time, I experienced a few weird banging/throbbing sensation’s, in what felt like the cervix.
Oohh it felt so strange, luckily
the feeling quickly went away.
And hasn’t returned again.
Fasting from midnight tonight egg collection 8:30am tomorrow.
Got my fingers and legs crossed.
🤞 🤞🤞

29/1/18 First Bloods and Transvaginal scan

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There are 5 good sized follicles💜
Was expecting more, but five is better than none. One of them oocyte’s may be THE ONE.
And pretty good considering I have such a low egg reserve.
Very happy indeed!!!!
Tonight I stop the Gonal f + Orgalutran.
Instead it’s Trigger time!!! Ovidrel get in my belly💉
And egg retrieval Wednesday morning…
Wow we are going to make a baby on Wednesday.

 

28/1/18 Cycle Day 8: Gonal f 225 ml + Orgalutron 250ug

DA72650E-977E-40FE-ADE0-8DBB7C1B4F2A.jpeg(This cream is magical)

🌀 Had to pull my attitude up today been a bit irritable, easily frustrated and sulky.
Once I recognized this, managed to reign it in.
Can feel a tightness in my ovaries…hope they are full of follicles now.
Gurgling away still –
Kind of feels like I have Premenstrual symptoms last two days.
energy levels were low this afternoon, took a nap to recharge & awoke feeling much better.
And have had an enormous appetite since taking these medications.
Not as thirsty today, a few glasses of Salvital sorted that out.

Night 8 of injection’s:
Armed with Emla 5% numbing cream I had complete confidence going forward.
Applied the cream half hour before injections so Emla had time to work its magic.
Oh it was wonderful.
Didn’t feel a thing.
Didn’t even feel the tough stuff Orgalutran…………
Until the medicine trickled in. BURNING. BURNING. ouchie!!!!
Ok so that concludes my theory “its the medicine that’s stings/burns !!!”. I can deal with that.

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1st scan and Bloods 29-1-18

Tomorrow morning we get to see how our baby follicles are growing.
And do bloods to check how everything is going with the treatment.
I’m so excited and nervous hoping praying believing this will work!

Fingers crossed. 💜💕

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( A kiss to make me feel better Cycle day 5.)

 

27/1/18 Cycle Day 7: Gonal f 225 ml Orgalutron 250ug

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Bit run down & dragging my feet, just want to sleep every where. Yet at the same time have an intense amorous desire for Mr.R. Otherwise in good spirits.
Bloating has ceased.
And noticed I have more flatulence than normal….pretty much since day three of assisted treatment.
Also have my first bruise,from last nights Orgalutran shot.

We’ve learned from previous experience with needles for Mr. R , that taking the syringes out of the fridge 10-15 minuets before hand helps lessen the stinging sensation when the medicine goes in, because it’s not so cold.
We didn’t have the time do this last night.

 

7th night of injections:
Gonal f – done like a professional.
Orgalutran – still makes me cry out in pain…maybe IT IS the darn needle? not the medicine. Gosh it feels like a 1989 school immunization shot in the belly!
But is becoming more tolerable. And this is what We’ve been praying for. I’m not complaining….just venting.

Going to pull out my trusted “Emla 5%“ numbing cream and rub that on tomorrow night for the “Orgalutran”
Hope that works!

 

 

 

26/1/18 Cycle Day 6: Gonal f 225 ml Orgalutron 250ug

Australia Day Holiday.
Ive been really tired and flat today, still got slight bloating & now a bit of a ache in my lower back. A hot water bottle is my best friend right now, even with this stinking 42 degree heat!
Caught myself being a bit snappy today and woke up crying over a contestant that lost on a tv show the night before …..that was weird.
But other than that feeling alright for day six.

Tonight’s Injection’s
2nd Orgalutran shot + 6th Gonal f:
Really wasn’t looking forward to having another crack at the almighty painful Orgalutran.
Luckily I had Mum down tonight and She was a good distraction.

First up I administered the Gonal f, bang….in…done, sweet as.
Mr.R is taking the “Org needle” out of the plastic holder….then all of a sudden it falls apart in two pieces on the floor!!!!
What the?

Right so that just happened, & now we’re running against the clock. Because we decided to go watch the Aussie day fireworks at 9pm and got home just in the nick of IVF time.
(We have from 9pm till 10pm to do the jab’s, and it was now 9:50pm!!!)

We didn’t have time to waste, out with another needle and in it went.
Ouch. Burning.
But definitely better than the 1st….actually found it was easier to get it over and done with swiftly instead of procrastinating.
Although this one bleed a bit afterwards.
Mr.R said the plunger is quite stiff to push in & Same problem last night.
The medicine looks thicker than the Gonal F, maybe this is why it’s tougher to push down?maybe that’s why the needle gauge is a tiny bit thicker too.

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25/1/18 Cycle Day 5: Gonal f 225 ml + Orgalutron 250ug

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So today has been interesting.
My sense of smell is extremely heightened I can smell everything so intensely.
And have been having sensation’s of little zaps and buzzing in the ovaries region.
And gurgling lots of gurgling.
Can definitely feel movement in the station that’s for sure.
Not painful or uncomfortable just strange.
I’m a bit bloated, when I stand up can’t see my muff!
But still feeling pretty good.

Tried not to think about tonight’s needles ALL day, but turned out that’s all I did.

5th lot of Injections:

Gonal f, was Gonal good!
Orgalutran burned like hell.
Not going to lie and excuse my poor language, but fuck it hurt!!
Not so much the needle that hurt but the medicine going in that hurt, and then an after sting/burning sensation that lasted 20 mins!
This Orgalutran stuff must be some good shit!!
Magic medicine do your thing.

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24/1/18 Cycle Day 4: Gonal f 225 ml

CB8AD43E-070C-4365-8F7D-AC6582E493C40BDE6BC0-A06A-4731-88B8-6F81E3C6C67C (One Ganal f pen emptied in my belly)

🌀 Feeling pretty good so far, can’t complain.
Periods seem to have come to an early end, had slight spotting last night, but nothing today.

4th Gonal f injection:

Don’t know what I was worrying about all day, needle went in like a dream.
Either I’m getting braver or better, not sure which one.
But with saying that, tonight is my last night of single shots, tomorrow is doubles.
And the thought of that is freaking me the heck out, throwing me off my
“ I can do this” victory.. and becoming “I don’t know if I can do that”.
So We’ve decided I’ll do the Gonal f tomorrow night and Mr.R can do the Orgalutran injection.

Whats really freaking me out the most, is with the ‘Org’ injection we have to insert the needle as normal ..but THEN have to gently draw back on the plunger – to check it went in correctly. If any blood appears in the syringe, we didn’t do it right and have to start again!
Now blood is my next downfall …so nope, nope , nope!
Will leave this one to Mr. R
All though I think he’s secretly looking forward to doing it.

 

23/1/18 Cycle day 3 Gonal f 225ml

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Woke with a slight band of tightness around my temples almost a headache, yet not quite.
Feeling mentally foggy all day and decision making has been vague.

Also this morning I noticed the menses had completely stopped!
So, waited till lunch and still nothing.
Slight panic.
Day 4 of my period is usually heavy’ish, so I rang the fertility nurse and she reassured me that this can be normal during treatment.
She tells me “some times they just turn off and on.”

PHEW …. a sigh of relief. Was worried all day something was wrong. Nope not to worry….just another needle in a few hours to come.

Injection 3.
Okay so tonight’s jab was a bad shot!
I “white’ed” out after pulling out the needle and passed out.
Did NOT go in as well as the other two.

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( White out moment )

Think I over pinched the stab area… it was hard to push in, it hurt and kind of stung. Pulling the needle back out was a whole other traumatic event on its own.
Ok, so one bad jab now and then is to be expected I guess.
But when it comes to this baby, I’ll do absolutely anything!
another lesson learned.
Don’t over squeeze the injection area, I won’t forgot this again!
Soon will be a pro.
(I hope).

 

22/1/18 Day 2 of cycle Gonal f 225ml

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First day of Gonal F surging through the internal gonads.
Still feeling no different than any other day.
Usual period pain symptoms, Nothing out of the ordinary.

The 2nd injection:
Tonight’s jab wasn’t as pleasant as last night’s.
Heres a tip, avoid applying hand lotion before using the Gonal f pen.
Just added extra slipperiness on top of the nervous sweaty palms and become difficult to manage.
At least this time I remembered to hold down the plunger while retracting the need out.🐞