Accumulative IVF ptsd is real

Today is Mothers Day 2021

1 day away from my official HCG blood test. 

Today is 10 days past 5 day embryo transfer. (10p5dt)

This morning I decided to try a Digital home pregnancy test,

And after 3 mins of waiting forever two terrible words flashed up….

Not pregnant. 

4 th HPT

This makes it 2 Mother’s Days now. 

On this exact Sunday 2 years ago I also found out another embryo didn’t stick. 

4 years of IVF 

8 embryo transfers 

8 rounds of IVF stimulation injections 

1 pregnancy resulting in a silent miscarriage at approx 10 weeks. 

18 years of trying naturally with Mr. R

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!

I feel nothing right now

I feel defeated 

Useless 

Helpless 

Desperate 

Empty 

And feel embarrassed to have to yet again have the clinic call on Monday with a somber tone in there voice, saying something along the lines of:“ oh I’m so sorry but…..” and then the next line “if you need to talk to the councillor we can book you an appointment”.

Then I have reassure them that I’ll be okay. 

Be fine for a few days then break down internally. 

Usually struggle to wake up and get dressed during this period really have to force myself to go to work and pretend I’m fine, smile so that no one else feels too uncomfortable in my presence. 

Difficulty concentrating on small tasks as my mind is discombobulated from all the medications I’ve been on. 

Have vision issues related to hormones.  See strange colours and floaters… this is also related to high stress levels.

My body starts to detox and that often means longer and more frequent toilet breaks.

Energy is depleted. 

This I know because I’m a fucking IVF warrior. 

I’ve gotten thorough before even though each time it feels like I’m dying on the inside. 

Somehow I keep pushing on

Looking for a glimmer of hope…..

Today is 9dp5dt

I was hoping someone out there had a positive story of a BFN turning into a BFP, that I can grasp onto for some hope.

I’ve searched the internet for hours and hours reading so many helpful forums, blogs and other people’s experiences.
Finding success stories has helped me keep going just a couple more days without completely giving up on this whole process and collapsing into a tight ball in bed. But still……

The answer I seek is not there!

This is so fucking hard! All of it.

Seven days past our embryo transfer I done the first HPT= Negative

Eight days past , tried another HPT = Negative

Now today Nine days past and another HPT done first wee of the morning = Negative

Fuck Fuck Fuck FUCK

Two days away from offical HCG blood test.

There’s no reason for it not to work!
Everything was spot on perfect this time.

I’m hanging on to a spiders web thread of hope.

Wanted to stop all meds today- but hanging into the idea it could still work.

Lounge is where I’ll stay today!