Woke slightly panicked , called the clinic first thing this morning, being it’s a Saturday they close early..
And still haven’t received any information on which days I begin stimulation injections.
I was told that I would get a call back later in the day.
Next on the list was to go collect a new medication I’ve never used before from a chemist that always has all IVF medical needs stocked.
But not today. Pharmacist told me as it’s a very expensive drug, they will need to order this medication in and will take a couple of days.
I don’t have a couple of days I need it tomorrow!!
Oh my gosh this is what I get for leaving everything last minute.
I called another chemist which is also known for having plenty of IVF meds on hand.
Thankfully that had 4 vials even though I need 10 , I said I’ll be there to collect what you have and be back for more!
Another two hour round trip and I’m saved.
Then on the way home the Nurse calls me back and said luckily I called today because someone in the office made a mistake and didn’t mark me as booked on , which meant I wouldn’t have received a call today as they didn’t even know.
And today I start Menopur.
Tomorrow begin the new medication I found today and we’re all sweet.
Geez everything worked out just in the nick of time.
Thought I would take a relaxed approach to IVF on the 11th round. Didn’t rush into buying any Medication for stimulation, nor did I worry too much about getting funds organised to book on.
Yesterday afternoon, on the way to my third shift at work.
Went to the toilet and there it was staring back at me …the all mighty period had arrived.
“Yay” I thought , then ….”Oh dear already”? can’t be that time of month yet!!
Got up and checked the calendar & sure enough…right on time, one day early.
Wow time has slipped past so fast.
Realising I haven’t yet paid the invoice and can’t book on until a payment is received.
As I was due back at work in 20 minutes decided to call the bank and transfer the money then called the receptionist at the fertility clinic – completed the payment over the phone and then proceeded to tell her I would also like to book on.
At this point I still haven’t got any scripts filled, but thought “no worries, I’ll just pop into the compounding chemist the following day during my lunch break and only get the the scripts filled that I will need in the first few days”
Luckily don’t start stimulation till cycle day 2.
Official cycle day 1:
Lunch break rolls around, I arrived at the chemist only to discover that there is a shortage throughout Australia with Menopur!
Nothing in stock.
Chemist proceeds to tell me I need to call my specialist and ask about a substitute, if there is one.
SHIT!
Call the clinic, they tell me they were only made aware of this situation a day earlier.
So I’m supposed to be due back at work by this point, but now have more important priorities to deal with and getting back to work on time is not one of them.
Hesitatingly called work ,asked them If it’s alright if I may be a few hours late , thankfully my manager was really okay about it all.
Began calling chemists all around Adelaide and with the assistance of fertility nurses calling and searching as well, we finally managed to find and put on hold , what we believe were quite possibly the last few boxes of Menopur in South Australia.
I then drove a two and a half hours to collect this liquid gold!
Thank fucking goodness.
What a miracle!
There was a small work load waiting for me when I finally got back in the dark hours of the evening.
Very Kindly other staff had chipped in to help lighten the job.
This Year, Let Go Of The People Who Aren’t Ready To Love You
It is the hardest thing you will ever have to do, and it will also be the most important: stop giving your love to those who aren’t ready to love you.
Stop having hard conversations with people who don’t want to change. Stop showing up for people who are indifferent about your presence. Stop prioritizing people who make you an option. Stop loving people who aren’t ready to love you.
I know that your instinct is to do whatever you can to earn the good graces of everyone you can, but that is also the impulse that will rob you of your time, your energy and your sanity.
When you start showing up to your life wholly and completely, with joy and interest and commitment, not everyone is going to be ready to meet you there.
It doesn’t mean you need to change who you are. It means you need to stop loving people who aren’t ready to love you.
If you’re left out, subtly insulted, mindlessly forgotten about or easily disregarded by the people you spend the most time with, you’re doing yourself an incredible disservice by continuing to offer your energy and life to them.
The truth is that you are not for everyone, and everyone is not for you. That’s what makes it so special when you do find the few people with whom you have a genuine friendship, love or relationship: you’ll know how precious it is because you’ve experienced what it isn’t.
But the longer you spend trying to force someone to love you when they aren’t capable, the longer you’re robbing yourself of that very connection. It is waiting for you. There are billions of people on this planet, and so many of them are going to meet you at your level, vibe where you are, connect with where you’re going.
… But the longer you stay small, tucked into the familiarity of the people who use you as a cushion, a back burner option, a therapist and a ploy for their emotional labor, the longer you keep yourself out of the community you crave.
Maybe if you stop showing up, you’ll be less liked.
Maybe you’ll be forgotten about altogether.
Maybe if you stop trying, the relationship will cease.
Maybe if you stop texting, your phone will stay dark for days and weeks.
Maybe if you stop loving someone, the love between you will dissolve.
That doesn’t mean you ruined a relationship. It means that the only thing sustaining a relationship was the energy you and you alone were putting into it.
That’s not love. That’s attachment.
The most precious, important thing that you have in your life is your energy. It is not your time that is limited, it is your energy. What you give it to each day is what you will create more and more of in your life. What you give your time to is what will define your existence.
When you realize this, you’ll begin to understand why you’re so anxious when you spend your time with people who are wrong for you, and in jobs or places or cities that are wrong, too.
You’ll begin to realize that the foremost important thing you can do for your life and yourself and everyone you know is to protect your energy more fiercely than anything else.
Make your life a safe haven in which only people that can care and listen and connect are allowed.
You are not responsible for saving people.
You are not responsible for convincing them they want to be saved.
It is not your job to show up for people and give away your life to them, little by little, moment by moment, because you pity them, because you feel bad, because you “should,” because you’re obligated, because, at the root of it all, you’re afraid to not be liked back.
It is your job to realize that you are the master of your fate, and that you are accepting the love you think you’re worthy of.
Decide you’re deserving of real friendship, true commitment and complete love with people who are healthy and thriving.
Then wait in the darkness, just for a little bit…
… And watch how quickly everything begins to change.
What I didn’t know with an anembryonic pregnancy (also known as a blighted ovum or empty sac), is that it’s a really drawn out & painful process.
There are a 3 specialists involved with this treatment.
They all had a meeting yesterday and agreed not to go ahead with a D&C because they feel there are more risks associated with that kind of surgery at this stage.
Instead they want to watch and wait for a significant fall in my HCG over the next couple of weeks.
Hopefully by then I will have passed the sac.
Really want this to be over with now.
How much can a girl get knocked down before she doesn’t get up again.
Rhetorical question.
Kind of knew when starting IVF that this would be a marathon rather than a sprint.
But I had no idea what I was really up for.
At the present moment Ive accepted that I’m not always going to manage well.
And these emotions are valid.
After much practice I can sit with my negative experiences instead of pushing them away and finding distractions.
At the same time I’ve had to look really hard for any tiny positives to self enforce balance.
Finding the tools , mental recourses and the support for my wellbeing has been a slow, very slow process!
4 years
8 rounds of stimulation cycles
10 failed transfers
2 Miscarriages and another pending
Finally recognise, I have no control over this process.
The physiological changes that my body has endured.
Psychological chaos.
Hormonal ups and downs.
Every aspect of my life has taken a hard hit from this.
Health – Home life -Work – Relationships – Spiritual beliefs- Recreation even my personal growth.
Beginning of this year I crashed every which way possible- mentally and physically fatigued.
Psychological starvation.
Empty tank.
4 years of enduring vicious failed cycles of IVF.
Mostly without any support.
Except for Mr.R.. he is there through my worst days and my best days.
But sometimes he is physically there, yet emotionally checked out and switched off.
As much as he tries to support me, it hasn’t been enough.
He too is struggling with his own stuff. It’s like looking into a mirror – maybe our individual struggles are so similar & share the same pain – it’s as if we don’t see one another when we need each other the most.
I needed to source outside connections.
Some extra support!
I couldn’t go on doing this alone.
Having no family around due to fractures from the past and present, or they have passed away.
Friends are far and few between.
I had to look elsewhere.
People always talk about self care.
Yes, this is imperative
But….
Sometimes self care also means seeking out “COMMUNITY CARE”.
Its taken me up until only just recently to figure this out.
Loneliness is a whole other kind of beast.
Before IVF began I have always silently struggled with a bit of anxiety.
Pushed it aside ,compared myself to those worse off and dismissed those feelings.
Over these last few years creeping up ever so slowly… unwanted intrusive suicidal & homicidal thoughts were invading my mind.
(To be clear I didn’t feel like acting on these thoughts- they were unwanted thoughts that I couldn’t push aside)
I recognised that these thoughts were becoming more and more frequent.
It scared me.
Including heavy feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, severe social anxiety, uncontrollable body ticks, numb arms, excessively sweating, irritable, angry, waking up in a panic & heart racing, insomnia, nightmares, hair falling out, sleep swearing, lack of appetite, unable to feel any kind of happiness.
Emptiness.
I knew there was something wrong, not right, couldn’t deny it any longer.
Finally after years of struggling I spoke up and told my GP, he referred me onto a mental health specialist who prescribed antidepressants.
I’ve avoided this for ages, I guess out out of shame and the social stigma.
But I hit a dark place that had completely changed me to the core and I needed help.
In 15 years I had tried everything else bar pills.
I was desperate enough set aside my beliefs and ideas on taking antidepressants, and gave them a try.
At first ~ I didn’t think the medication was working- fast forward (to now almost 12 months later), its been my saviour.
It’s not for everyone , for me it is just what I needed to help get me through safely.
Next in the “community support seeking” I started by letting people that I work with and trusted, know about my attempts at trying to conceive a child via science. Thought….bugger it , may as well seen as though I’ve taken so much random time off over the years.
Up until these last few months I have really only told employers * thanks to all the random times I’ve needed off of work.
Got to a point where my company called and said “this is a warning , you must give 4 weeks notice for any time off shifts or else you will be dismissed due to all the last minute call’s in sick.”
Fucking great!
Near on impossible to give exact dates when IVF relies on my unpredictable fucking body clock.
This lifted the pressure on the next couple cycles.
Until the company finally had a change in hand.
Have had a few different managers over the years which has also been exhausting explaining myself time over and over.
Turns out our companies newest manager and his wife have recently graduated from their IVF journey.
He was more than understanding of my situation recently, which has been helpful with taking some much needed time off work.
Uncanny enough the manager before this one, had a daughter that was going through IVF too. That also was a blessing in disguise.
One of my coworkers opened up and mentioned that both their children are IVF baby’s.
They have provided so much understanding and advice and it has help make me feel less alone.
But It’s not just those who have had experience with IVF that’s aided me through all of this.
It’s also been the people who have just genuinely listened and let me know they are there if I need them.
That’s been the biggest help!
Not feeling alone for once.
Isolation and loneliness eat people up whole.
All the extra support at work has really helped get me through the darkest hours.
Ive noticed most people don’t ask “how I am” upon walking into work anymore.
And I appreciate this.
It makes getting through the days little easier.
Instead it’s more of ‘hello’s, smiles and a wave”
It’s great, don’t have to be fake every morning and say “I’m good thanks” or be a Debbie downer.
I too can smile and get on with the day without being reminded of how crap things are.
Occasionally there are those at work whom remind me of how hard IVF must be, or just say the most unrealistic unhelpful tips- but they mean well.
And they are kind to me, even on my grouchy days.
There’s been plenty of those over the years.
Spend just about all day 5 days a week at work with these people and have been faking that I’m okay for years, when I’m really breaking from the inside out … well that’s how it feels some days , for far to long before speaking up.
The first miscarriage in 2018 at 10 weeks gestation-
woke up went to work the next day and carried on like nothing happened.
Smiled & said “I’m well thanks” When some one asked how I was. When all I felt like doing was curl up into a ball- rock backward and forwards, hug a pillow, scream and cry.
What doesn’t seem to be common, is people talking to others about these experiences.
Especially miscarriage, that’s just is a unspoken no go zone as far as social standards go these days.
What I’ve noticed is when I have opened up about these past experiences.
It’s allowed others to talk about theirs, and usually for the first time or with someone else that is outside of their personal bubble.
I remember having a property inspection a couple years ago and when my landlord asked “how are you” I broke down and said “I just found out my baby is dead but still inside of me”
Like WTF did I just blurt that out for I thought?!
Then the landlord began to cry and tell me about her traumatic experiences that she went through 3 different times, 20 years ago…. She mentioned that she’s never talked about it before. ( gave me a hug & in 10 years of renting through this lady we haven’t ever been this close & it was nice)
She now has 9 .. yup, 9 beautiful children, it’s these brief encounters that restore this so called hope I cling on
Every single month for four years I’ve been consumed with IVF.
There have been a small breaks in between.
As my nurse said to me last week “It’s all well and good to be stoic but some times we need to let it all out”
So I’ve tried not to let this eat me up and have put on a brave front but I’m utterly devastated and so disappointed.
Right now I just want this chapter to be over with.
Well fuck! Thought id experienced just about everything possible for a single human trialing IVF, but apparently not.
9 weeks pregnant, HCG rising.
Gestational sack average size.
Bleeding for 9 solid weeks.
Blood tests every 2 days for 63 days.
No baby.
Devastated to say, that this very much wanted pregnancy, for my safety, will probably need to be medically aborted.
Today while at work I received a call from the fertility clinic with my blood results.
As the HCG is still rising they wanted me to go to hospital for an Emergancy Ultrasound.
The last ultrasound I had was two weeks ago. Was warned it could be ectopic that I will likely miscarry and to watch out for any pains blah blah blah…
Devastated and caught up with work , I stoped going for blood tests for a week until yesterday.
Thinking that because I’ve been experiencing clots the blood results must be coming down by now
But they weren’t = 1700.
No one expected this outcome.
Even my specialist said this is so weird.
Basically my body is still growing a gestational sac and placenta which is releasing HCG but the baby stoped developing very early on and was absorbed.
The specialists have been taking a “watch and wait method”.
Now were at 9 weeks and a decision needs to be made, which I find out tomorrow as to what the next step is after they discuss the results of todays ultrasound.
I asked how is this possible with no Fallopian tubes?
Nurse explained that there a few different ways, but for the time being they want me to come back in another 48 hours for more bloods.
Then by Wednesday we will be 6 weeks 5 days pregnant and able to have a scan to see where the baby is actually located.
I wish with every fibre of my being, that some one will tell me this baby is going to be okay in the next couple of days.
That this bleeding is just from a soft & sensitive cervix or something like that.
I wish to the almighty above,The universe, The loved souls who watch over me. Please please help this baby!!
Then the nurse made me aware that I need to look out for any pain in my chest or back, and severe pain on one side of the uterus. If I experience any of these symptoms over the weekend ,must go straight to ER.
What’s been happening since transfer on the 16/9/21
Embryo transfer day:
Embryologist announced that our euploid embryo didn’t expand the during the thaw process.
The specialist had to make a decision whether to go ahead or not…they decided to give it a try regardless.
2 hours after the transfer I noticed dark brown spotting.
Called the clinic panicking.
Clinic confirmed I had ovulated 5 days before the transfer, from blood test.
Progesterone was a good level
Endometrium lining was a great 8.2 on transfer day.
Was told it’s technically not possible to have my period this early on cycle day 22
Possibly a soft sensitive cervix or uterus that was disrupted during the transfer?.
Specialist said I should stop all Clexane injections, aspirin and fish oils to see if that settles the bleeding .
Keep an eye on it and call if anything changes.
Day two after transfer day woke to a period like heavy bleed. Bright red.
Called clinic but unfortunately was a Saturday and I missed opening hours had to wait until Monday- but
After needing to do a third pad change I called the IVF clinic’s emergency number.
This call offered no answers that could put me at ease.
By Monday I’d gone through an entire packet of pads. Plus’s a few large goodnights.
At this stage I gave up on the idea that anything was happening and was mourning another loss.
But still continuing with all the medications ,hanging onto that hope. What a paradox.
Got 8 days past embryo transfer and was running out of Crinone.
Seen as though it’s quite costly I decided …fuck it -will do a home pregnancy test. I thought to myself “if its negative I won’t buy any more”.
Looked at the HPT and there to my disbelief were two lines.
But I’m bleeding heavily. WTActual F!
I called the clinic and they asked if I wanted to do an early hcg blood test but unfortunately I was unable to get time off from work and had to wait till my booked date in three days time.
Continuing to do home pregnancy tests – which all came up positive and yet still bleeding. Dripping.
So fucking confusing
Faint lines but their there
Hcg Blood test came back at 15 , very low.
48 hrs later Hcg was 36 , it doubled
But still bleeding.
Came down with a nasty head cold.
Next 48 hours Hcg was 76 still low but doubling as it should.
Still bleeding.
Next 48 hours Hcg 166 yes!!
Next 48 hours 220. Oh dear. Not the double numbers we hoped for at 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant.
Fuck !
Still bleeding.
Now we are wait for the next 48 hours. This Fridays blood results will give us an idea as to which direction this is all heading.
Can’t communicate this emotional and physical pain.
Got through the two week wait, but not without taking a couple home pregnancy tests.
Friday 18/6/21 was the 1st HCG blood test which confirmed a pregnancy.
HCG was 96
Done a cheap HPT (home pregnancy test) over the weekend and noticed the lines were barely visible- put it down to a crappy brand at first but then the fear set in ….. tried to push it aside but that was really difficult especially since the last 4 years have been devoted to this very moment.
last two blue tests – 13 days past 5 day embryo transfer
Monday 21/6/21 2nd HCG test – 77
Fuck!
“I’m sorry” said the nurse over the phone, right before I was about to start my next shift at work.
It’s not looking hopeful , I’m so sorry she repeated .. it was at this point I felt myself disconnect from reality.
I didn’t want to hear it anymore I quickly asked the nurse a question to interrupt her agonising sorry’s.
“Should I stop my medication” I asked? Nurse said to continue a couple more days just in case … then she proceeded to tell me that maybe to come back in two days and have another HCG test , just to confirm my body is a fucking failure. ….
(not in those exact words)
Tonight I decided not to continue with Clexane injections- I can feel the heavy pull in my thighs and hips. I will continue all other medications until Wednesdays HCG test. Just not the injections…. It’s like why hurt my self anymore than I have to right now.
Yet here I sit on the floor – writing in my phones notes. Hoping that some how some miracle will shine through and help this pregnancy stay.
Three days after our last frozen embryo transfer decided not to stick, Aunt Flo showed up and I booked on for transfer number 9.
We wanted to try this cycle semi naturally.
No uterus preparing medication. No hormones leading up to transfer. Leaving my ovaries to ovulate on their own. Only taking precautionary meds in the lead up to transfer:
Doxycycline (Antibiotics) to prevent infection of the uterus- (which I have had twice before).
Prednisolone to ward off any killer cells – I take these until 10 weeks gestation period.
Stop doxycycline on transfer eve.
Then on transfer day I start taking;
1x Aspirin per day
40 mgm Clexane per day
Clexane last round was not a fun experience – must remember to steer clear of operation scaring was not a fun experience
Crinone 8% once per day – Until 12 weeks gestation.
Have had baseline bloods to check for ovulation every two days since cycle day 5.
Finally on cycle day 21 it happened, Bloods say I was ovulating.
Received a call from one of the nurses at the clinic on 3/6/21 with instructions date and time of our embryo transfer.
This embryo has not been genetically tested like the other two.
Today is 10 days past 5 day embryo transfer. (10p5dt)
This morning I decided to try a Digital home pregnancy test,
And after 3 mins of waiting forever two terrible words flashed up….
Not pregnant.
4 th HPT
This makes it 2 Mother’s Days now.
On this exact Sunday 2 years ago I also found out another embryo didn’t stick.
4 years of IVF
8 embryo transfers
8 rounds of IVF stimulation injections
1 pregnancy resulting in a silent miscarriage at approx 10 weeks.
18 years of trying naturally with Mr. R
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
I feel nothing right now
I feel defeated
Useless
Helpless
Desperate
Empty
And feel embarrassed to have to yet again have the clinic call on Monday with a somber tone in there voice, saying something along the lines of:“ oh I’m so sorry but…..” and then the next line “if you need to talk to the councillor we can book you an appointment”.
Then I have reassure them that I’ll be okay.
Be fine for a few days then break down internally.
Usually struggle to wake up and get dressed during this period really have to force myself to go to work and pretend I’m fine, smile so that no one else feels too uncomfortable in my presence.
Difficulty concentrating on small tasks as my mind is discombobulated from all the medications I’ve been on.
Have vision issues related to hormones. See strange colours and floaters… this is also related to high stress levels.
My body starts to detox and that often means longer and more frequent toilet breaks.
Energy is depleted.
This I know because I’m a fucking IVF warrior.
I’ve gotten thorough before even though each time it feels like I’m dying on the inside.
I was hoping someone out there had a positive story of a BFN turning into a BFP, that I can grasp onto for some hope.
I’ve searched the internet for hours and hours reading so many helpful forums, blogs and other people’s experiences. Finding success stories has helped me keep going just a couple more days without completely giving up on this whole process and collapsing into a tight ball in bed. But still……
The answer I seek is not there!
This is so fucking hard! All of it.
Seven days past our embryo transfer I done the first HPT= Negative
Eight days past , tried another HPT = Negative
Now today Nine days past and another HPT done first wee of the morning = Negative
Fuck Fuck Fuck FUCK
Two days away from offical HCG blood test.
There’s no reason for it not to work! Everything was spot on perfect this time.
I’m hanging on to a spiders web thread of hope.
Wanted to stop all meds today- but hanging into the idea it could still work. Lounge is where I’ll stay today!
Moods were high and the morning was a relaxed vibe, even tho the Doctor performing our transfer was running 40 mins behind.
I couldn’t hold my bladder while in the waiting room, and had to let little tiny bits of wee out – 4 times!!
Talk about pelvic floor exercises.
Far out ,busting for a wee really messed with my ability to concentrate sit still.
I dashed to the toilet and squatted down on my heal shoving it right up “there”. Wiggling around waiting, busting.
Finally I heard the Nurse and Mr.R coming to get me… I crab walked out the toilet and stripped off my bottoms along the way.
Laying on the bed that was raised to the ceiling, speculum about to go in – I had to grab my bits tight! and make a cup over my fanny. I started to pee on the floor… just a tiny bit, oh dear.
“Go let some more out” said the Doc- “but save me some in there”.
Peeing all the way down the hall , I only had to wipe and clean up by time I got to the toilet.
Bit of relief… & back to the work bench I went.
The embryo thawing process went well.
Embryologist informed me that this is a grade 5AB.
A good embryo, which reached full expansion and has a grade: (A)inner-cell mass.
But what has really stuck with me is when the two embryologist said the embryo is very “Handsome” and they said it twice …”yes a very handsome embryo the other smiled and agreed”. Then both looked at me with the biggest grins.
We had PGT testing done but in Australia Gender selection is prohibited for family balancing and can only be used when there is a medical reason.
So technically they still know the gender of our embryo just legally not allowed to tell us.
But why say “Handsome”? Not cute but Handsome …… Hmmm? was that a hint dropped???
The first catheter failed to pick up the embryo, they tried another one and voila.
The embryo was placed mid way up into the uterus , on the ultrasound screen we saw the shining glow of our embryo.
No glue this time.
Doc counted 10 seconds on the clock.
Mr.R gave Doc the thumbs up , then we waited for the embryologist to confirm that the catheter was clear.
All clear!
Yes, that’s what we like to hear.
I almost jumped off the bed with the speculum still wedged in… absolutely busting at the seams for a wee …wrapped the modesty sheet around me and dashed off for one big long wee.
Aghhhhhh relief. Best feeling.
Returning back to the room , much more calmer I received a lot of compliments about how my lining looked like a “perfect text book uterus”.
I was like… “geez shucks, thanks guys!”.
What a compliment.
Now we wait.
Pregnancy blood test is on 10th May 2021.
In the waiting room A treat after transfer Vermicelli noodles and stir fried beef for dinner Finished with cake to celebrate
Two lots of implants over two months temporarily disabled me.
Days after receiving my first implant I began having uncomfortable symptoms appearing in dribs and drabs.
First night I was covered in a pool of sweat.
Day after the implant I woke with a throbbing headache which would last most of the day, this happened every day for 60 days.
Throughout the days and nights I would get crazy hot flushes …..have to take off all/many clothes to cool down.
Began to feel dizzy sitting or standing still.
At the end of the first week, is when I started having pins and needles from the elbows down to my finger tips. Then my hands were swelling up during my sleep.
Now Ive had a slight similar issue in the past,
10 years ago when I use to ride a moped – when my arms were raised 45 degrees I would get pins and needles in both hands and need to drop them my by my side for a couple minutes, and wait for the blood flow to run back down.ê
This would only happen with prolonged periods of my arms being crooked or raised above my heart line.
Recently in the last 4 years (funny enough since starting IVF) I’ve had this occur sporadically off and on without having my arms raised 45 degrees and just performing normal daily activities. Have discussed this over the years with my GP went for an X-ray that showed up no results….GP put it down to “STRESS”.
So at this point I’m thinking I must be really fucking internally stressed man!
Week 2 after the implant I woke at 2am to an intense pain from both of my shoulders , running down the entire arms and fingers.
Burning, electric zapping and throbbing.
I woke up screaming in pain.
My fingers were so swollen and numb and felt like they were on fire!!!!
WTF!!!!! There was nothing I could do to relive the painful sensation -I stood up and put both hands down by my sides this helped with the numbness but the burning pain wasn’t going away.
Whaling to Mr.R to help me, he rubbed my shoulders which bought a tiny bit of relief and helped keep the numbness at bay.
But soon as I laid down it happened all over again. Poor Mr.R spent rest of the night massaging my shoulders half asleep while I sat up right , with my arms straight as I could get them own my sides.
What a horrible night, next morning was just as bad.
The numbness wasn’t gong away, the burning was unbearable and I couldn’t hold my phone when trying to ring and book an appointment with a GP.
Sleepy Mr.R made a call for me and booked a time, unfortunately there were no appointments available for a whole week!!!
The next 7 days and nights were unbearable. I had begun to loose all the strength in my hands could no longer put my makeup on, tie up my hair, brush my teeth, open a milk bottle or even wipe my own bum.
Waking up all hours of the night feeling like my fingers were going to explode off and the painful burning sensation was torture.
Having to sleep sitting upright more often than not, to the point where I had to purchase a back support for bed at night.
Whenever I would lay down – front, back or sides it would set of a painful electric/ numb buzzing sensation in both arms!
The night before I got to the GP I had dialed the emergency services 000.
But ended up hanging up….you see here in my state where I live, there are serious hospital ramping issues with ambulances in every major hospital.
People who are having cardiac arrest are dying here because there aren’t enough recourses or staff.
Listening to the dial tone and realizing that I’m calling because my arms ‘hurt’ and are ‘numb’ made me feel like an idiot and wasting precious time that someone else may actually be in need of. So I hung up and dealt with it.
Ughhh couldn’t wait to get in a speak with a doctor and get some answers the next morning.
As I sat in the G.P’s office, I was having terrible pains and numbness.
My doctor was baffled as what could be the cause. “So weird” were his exact words.
‘We need to perform an MRI’ he said. “And a full blood count including thyroid activity”.
Left with no answers.. booked the MRI which I had to wait 6 weeks to get into.
In this time I progressively got worse I wasn’t able to do anything with my arms or hands for longer than 15 or so minutes. Had taken time off work to try see if minimal activities would help…but it didn’t.
The worse thing was there was nothing visually wrong that any one can see.
So when my coworker sees me standing in the corner (arms by my side) it looks like I’m slacking off of work …..but I wasn’t, was in agony and couldn’t feel my hands or bend my fingers or raise my arms up with out it being so so painful.
I learned coping mechanisms to get by and try function like a normal person each day and not looking like a complete lazy weirdo.
Help of aids to open bottles , sleeping sitting up right , and lots of help from Mr.R to get dressed brush my teeth and even helped put on my makeup for work. When at work I would find tasks that require only one hand- I would put one arm down use the other till I couldn’t bare it then swap over to the other hand, repeat this process all day long. Sometimes if it was too bad, I would simply go to the toilet and sit there with my hands swinging along my sides – feeling the cool sensation of blood flowing back to the fingers.
But this was only a temporary relief and wouldn’t stop the burning fat swollen fingers that can’t bend or are to weak to pick up a cup of coffee.
It wouldn’t help though the sleepless nights.
I was really helpless and needed some answers.
I made another appointment with my GP and explained how its getting worse. Had not yet been for a MRI at this stage, it was only days away but I was suffering.
Doctor now referred me to have a nerve conduction study performed.
He said upon some investigation he believes all of this may be a serious side effect from the Zoladex which in some instances can cause “Spinal Cord Compression from drug induced flare ups”.
WOW!
He said come back after the MRI and ill be able to get the results back from the blood works and see what it say’s.
So here we are, I’ve had the MRI and its been a couple of weeks since the last zoladex implant has left my system. Slowly things are finally returning back to normal. The burning sensation is no longer unbearable.
Not being woken up as many times though out the night.
Strength is coming back- Slowly but surely.
flushes are non existent and night sweats aren’t as wet as the Antarctic Ocean last few nights.
Still have had to wait for my blood results which are at the end of this week, as my doctor decided to go on annual leave. Nerve test isn’t until June 2021.
Discussed this with the nurses at the fertility clinic this week and they said that the side effects should ware off once stopped. So this is a positive.
Hopefully will have some answers from the MRI as to what the heck happened the during my 60 days of hell.
But with that said – It was all worth it!
Nasty thing!13th March 2021
To be able to have another chance at being a mum is all that really matters.
“No pain no gain” I’ve been told once or twice before.
Can’t wait for the frozen embryo transfer this Thursday I’m so excited!!!!!!
13TH MARCH 2021 – Second Zoladex Implant done and dusted, and pain free with Emla cream. This to desensitise the pituitary gland and stop the natural production of FSH and LH.
GnRH-agonists thereby suppress estrogen synthesis by the ovaries, which stops the menstrual cycle.
Doctor who performed the procedure was so impressed with my “lack of ouch reaction” when he shoved a giant needle in my stomach, he thought it may be a good idea to implement Emla into the usual regime. Heck yes, “its a MUST I said”.
21 Days following the last Zoladex implant, started Synarel twice per day. 7 days of burning nasal spray to quiet down the ovaries and stop them from ovulating – Then Had a blood test to check estradiol & progesterone baseline.
10th APRIL 2021– baseline results were nice and low – looking like no activity happening in the ovaries. Good good!
NO period since February, What we want.
11th APRIL cycle day 2– commenced Progynova tablets, Estradot patches and Doxycycline to prevent any infections. Continue Synarel and of course the usurious bucket of vitamins accompanied along side.
23rd APRIL cycle day 14– Had a transvaginal scan to check the endometrium thickness of my uterus. Which was a lovely 8.5mm – And another baseline blood test.
Later on in the afternoon I received the call to let me know if were ready to go for a FET, and yes we are!!! YAYYYYYYYYYYYY , Also yay for “time to stop synarel”.
24th APRIL-Commence luteal support of crinone vaginal gel twice per day until 10 weeks gestation.
26th APRIL– Commence Clexane injections
28th APRIL– Stop Doxycycline
29th APRIL– FROZEN EMBRYO TRANSFER DAY wooo hoo, Yeah~
Frozen Embryo Transfer Number 8
WE HAVE WAITED SO SO LONG!
In a summary *
Such a long time waiting.
8th December 2020 – We fertilized 3 embryos.
Then had them genetically tested, which took 8 weeks as the little ones went all the way to Spain for testing and back again in the middle of a pandemic.
4rd February– Received great results! All tests returned no abnormalities- Very happy.
Had a review appointment with our specialist and she decided that my uterus responded well to the last long down regulation and said she wanted to try what’s called an ULTRA LONG DOWN REG.
Signed a new treatment plan.
12th February– Waited till my next period to book on (day one of period)
13th February-received 1st Zoladex implant in my stomach. WOW freaking ZOLADEX never again! Will speak about this in another blog.
Not fun.
13th March– Second Zoladex implant
2nd April-Began Agonist medication (Synarel)
And thats the LoNg DoWn ReG in a nutshell.
So thrilled we have our frozen embryo transfer this Thursday!
This last week we cracked an entire 6 pack of double yolk eggs!
Hadn’t yet got around to picking up my IVF scripts as my periods sprung up on me a couple of days early. But I did plan to collect them this weekend any way. The chemist that compounds our IVF medication is just around the corner from the fertility clinic, which is a super massive bonus!
Yesterday I called the nurse’s at the clinic to let them know my periods came, and today at 1pm I was scheduled for my 1st Zoladex implant to be administered by my fertility specialist who also just happens to be a GP.
Googled where about they will approximately put the implant, and then I slathered on a heap of Emla cream 5% near my lower navel and covered it up with plastic and tape before heading to my appointment.
Far out, I’m glad I decided to go in looking like an woose covered in cream and plastic.
That was one big ass needle , Mind over matter tho – wasn’t too bad!
Rather that, than months of jabbing myself to be honest.
Booked in for my next implant on the 13th March 2020.
There I will get more information on when I will start agonist medication.
PGT-A Test results and follow up appointment with fertility clinic
Arrived at the clinic late in the evening for our appointment , anxious and eager for the news. these last couple of weeks I had been mentally preparing myself, looking at the statistics online – talking with colleagues and friends about their experiences with genetic testing.
Our names were called, could see our specialist’s beaming smile from across the room, she done a twirl and said “I can’t wait to get to the office, it’s great news!!”
And good news indeed!!!! Best news! So relieved and so happy.
No chromosomal abnormalitys and all three embryos are good quality life beans.
FANFUCKINGTASTIC
Our specialist already had a plan in mind for the next cycle – Seen as though the last long down reg we that we tried, noticed my uterus responded extremely well.
So the plan is to do what’s called an Ultra Long Down reg where we will completely “turn off” my ovaries for two months by suppressing the body’s production on hormones that trigger egg development and ovulation – down regulate the physiological function of the ovaries.
Here’s the treatment plan
Because the treatment is over such a long duration Dr V Thought it may be better to have an implant rather than loads of injections. Sounds good to me. The next step now is to get the new scripts filled and wait until my next period. Then a doctor will administer my implant on Cycle day 1, which will last for 28 days till my next implant is due.
Not transferring an embryo right away with this cycle. Our embryos will be undergoing a biopsy for (PGT-A) preimplantation genetic testing which will take up to 4-6 weeks for the results to come back.
On the 23/11/2020 ….
3 days after 7th embryo transfer failed to stick, I started all over again.
Stim’s number seven.
Sheez, if I didn’t document all of this down , would be very difficult to keep track of where I’m at….its all become one big blur.
21/11/2020 – The day after the my HCG came back negative our specialist called to see how I was going. We discussed my options after having so many failed transfers. We agreed it may be a good idea to genetically test the next lot of embryos I grow. Testing both pairs of each 23 chromosomes.
The specialist also gave me the low down on when it may be necessary to perform an ERA test.
An Endometrial Receptivity Analysis test is: Genetic testing a small sample through a biopsy – taken from the endometrium lining, performed at the same time an ET (embryo transfer) would normally take place. Which will then determine when the best timing window for implantation is.
D.r V our specialist said it would be a good idea to wait for the PGT-A results to come back from this batch of embryos, before making a firm decision on an ERA test.
(As we were in the middle of a 5 day lockdown all of this conversation took place over the telephone)
Next we agreed on a new treatment plan for the upcoming cycle…. D.r V emailed it through for us to sign, then we went and collected the new scripts from the compound pharmacy, sent back the signed treatment plan. Signed and sent the form for IV sedation, Now we wait for my period to turn up. Due at any moment now!
New treatment plan
The next day – 22/11/2020 my periods turned up right on time
Called the clinic and booked on. Started Menopur 450u on the 24/11/20 – Cycle day 2.
Cycle Day 3 started Orgalutran + Menopur
Cycle day 8 had ultrasound and bloods to check estrogen levels, they were at 1000. Need to continue STIMS and grow the follicles some more over the next few days.
Waiting room
Cycle day 12 another ultrasound and bloods done. All looks good to go ahead for an egg retrieval in 3 days time – we were able to see 4 good sized follicles.
Cycle day 13 Double trigger night! No more STIMS.
Cycle day 15 EGG COLLECTION DAY
Preparing for egg retrieval
Egg collection day – 7/12/20 – 5 eggs retrieved, super impressed! Now its fertilization time
Cycle day 16 found out 4 of the 5 embryos fertilized! Will receive another update in a couple of days as to how they are developing. They need to grow to expanded blastocyst so they have more than 100 cells for PGT-A testing.
Cycle day 18 – Three good embryos have made it to day 3, the 4th embryo divided at 5 cell stage and slowed down its development. Lost one along the way.
Cycle day 20 – 5Dp5Dt (5 days past 5 day embryo transfer) 3 of our life beans made it to blastocyst!! One of those embryos are rapidly developing , so the Lab will keep an eye on it and see how it grows in one more day.
Cycle day 22 – 2 of our life bean Embryos were genetically tested and frozen. One didn’t quiet have enough cells to be tested, but was still good enough quality to be frozen and used.
Final results: 2 embryos were genetically tested. 1 embryo was frozen without PGT-A testing.
Now we wait until the 4th of Feb 2021, for our next consultation and follow up appointment with the fertility specialist. Thats what we will find out the results of the PGT-A test.
Phew what a way to end a year of chaos and weirdness, 2020 was a real test for the entire planet!
Such a long drawn out build up… months of injections, ass patches, bucket load’s of tablets, nasal spray that burns the skull and gel stick’s up my V-jay jay….
Then came the two week wait …….
5DP5DT (5 days past 5 day embryo transfer) I decided to try a home pregnancy test = Negative.
7DP5DT still with high hopes done another HPT with my first morning pee = Negative. Tell myself that slow and steady wins the race….faster is not always better. Later that night tried another brand of HPT and again = Negative.
8DP5DT so many side effects, to many to monitor with out going mad. Done another HPT = Negative. Shit what’s going on??
Its always at this stage of the TWW that I find the hardest to get through.
9DP5DT really irritable – Everything and every one is annoying me today. Tits feel like their going to explode, waves of nausea, Vag feels heavy. Waited all day before doing another HPT. This time got one of those first response digital tests….at 5:30pm peed on it and waited anxiously…..those words ”NOT PREGNANT” flashed up and I didnt have any feelings…..Numb
10DP5DT – one day off from my HCG blood test, just one more day. No bleeding yet.
11DP5DT : 20/11/2020 Today is the day we officially find out what I feel I already know the answer to……yet still remaining hopeful, telling myself that maybe all the HPT came back negative because there’s not enough HCG in the blood stream yet. Maybe the medications I’m on are giving off a false reading. Still no period and its cycle day 32 thats a good sign.
Had HCG bloods done at 9am, received a call from the clinic with results a lunch time.
I already knew my results by the tone of their voice the moment nurse said hello.
This time I had no tears no emotion at all.
After the usual “so sorry thought this one was the one, do you want to use our free psychology services? Was put through to reception to book a follow up appointment with our specialist….January 2021.
HOPE.
Hope really is an amazing thing. Given all that I knew, Still some how in the back of my mind, thought that maybe the blood test results were wrong, periods still haven’t arrived and maybe there’s still a chance this will work.
Cycle day 34 periods came.
Credit to :SKVLLPEL
The day after my periods came with the vengeance our fertility specialist called to see if we wanted to reschedule an earlier appointment, rather than waiting till next year.
‘How soon are you looking at trying again?” she asked. ”Like yesterday” I replied. “Ok when will you and Mr.R be in the same room together?”she asked. “At lunch today” I said. “Great ill give you both a call at 1pm for a consultation if that works for you?”. “Yes , Excellent!” I replied.
Mr.R and I had a long phone consultation with our specialist and by the time we hung up, we were jumping right back into another round of follicle stimulation injections.
No time to mentally prepare, started Menopur injections the next night on cycle day 2.
Round 7 of stims here we go and embryo transfer number 8 in 2021!
7th Cycle planCycle day 6 of stims…..Started Ogalutran 250mcg along with Menopur 450uMenopur packetSigned forms ready for egg retrieval Waiting in the clinic for a follicle scan and bloods in the middle of a COVID-19 lockdown
1BB – With assisted hatching: can see in the the middle left hand side
Woke up early and eager.
Took my baby making med’s.
Had a shower and shave.
Done a wee at 10:30 and then started drinking 500 mls of water to fill up the bladder nicely so the embryologist has a good view on screen.
Traffic was unusually busy and slow……time seemed to be happening in slow motion. Rolled into the clinic just in the nick of time, as we walked through the doors a nurse called out my name.
Mr R and I jogged down the hall to the change room…..stripped off and wrapped one of those modesty blankets around my waist.
Busted through the side door into the transfer room, eagerly awaiting to hear how our embryo thawed.
Hi everyone….the staff at the clinic have become like family, familiarity takes away the awkwardness. Although with that said i do hope to never have to see them all after this one.
Embryo thawed well, said the embryologist…
And embryo is developing as it should a few hours after thawing.
She then told us that the shell of the embryo was very thick, so they performed assisted hatching to help it along.
As usual the procedure takes about 10 mins all up.
We could see a bright glow in my uterus where the embryo landed nicely along with a glob of embryo glue to help it stick.
Embryologist cleared the catheter and we were good to go.
No more doxycycline as of today instead start taking a low dose aspirin for the next 12 weeks.
Has lived up to its name this cycle …Feels like a REALY long time since egg retrieval.
Beginning with Synarel nasal spray twice per day to quiet the ovaries, followed by one doxycycline a day to prevent infection.
6 days later; had HCG baseline blood test …. then began Progynova tablets three times per day and an estradiol patch on the old bottom which need to be changed every three days …to prepare my uterus to be optimal thickness for implantation.
Estradiol in IVF supports natural estrogen needs, thickening the uterine lining so that it is prepared for implantation. It also helps the placenta to function, boosts blood flow to the uterus and prepares the body to breastfeed after birth.
Three days after starting Progynova, I then began Prednisolone tablets three times per day:
Often natural killer cells are mentioned as the underlying cause of implantation failure but there is currently very little good evidence to support this.
Prednisolone is used to suppress the immune system and it has been suggested that it may improve the pregnancy rate.
Continued to taking multivitamins:
Vitamin E
Coq10
Mega B
Folic acid
Elivit
After weeks of this routine we’re getting closer to embryo transfer day!
Five days before embryo transfer, I began Clexane injections once per day to thin the blood.
Crinone twice a day…and continue with both of these till 12 weeks gestation.
Well surprisingly out of the three embryos, our 5 cell ended up becoming the shining star!
With a grading of 1BB ( which is good ), this spectacular embryo is fit for freezing tonight.
The other two embryo’s the 7 cell and 8 cell ended up developing into very early blastocysts……
FUN FACT:
The IVF laboratories often consider embryos that are developing faster on day 3 (>10 cells, ~72 hours after retrieval) to be abnormal.
In many IVF centers, faster developing embryos are generally not chosen for embryo transfer because of the concern that fast embryos are suboptimal, and may not develop normally.
But there is also conflicting evidence that early blastocysts can also lead to significantly higher birth rates.
Numerous reports have identified early embryo cleavage (24–27 hours after insemination) as a strong predictor of positive outcomes.
Has also been reported in peer reviewed articles, that the faster cleaving embryos were more likely to give rise to a pregnancy than slower cleaving embryos. It has since become common to consider developmental stage and morphological appearance at the time of transfer as predictors of implantation potential.
Our embryologist will continue to culture our two Em-baby’s for a further 24 hours and see what happens.
We have an appointment with our gynaecologist early tomorrow morning to discuss our next steps in this process.
Then late afternoon the embryologist will call with news on our fast blastocysts.
An embryo that’s dividing well should ideally have between 6 to 10 cells by day 3. Research shows that 8 is best. (Day 3 embryos that had 8 or more cells showed a significantly higher live birth rate).
One embryo is a 8 cell with 5% fragmentation
Second is a 7 cell with 10% fragmentation
And the third is a tad slow for day three, its a 5 cell……
The lab said they will continue to culture it for another day or two to see if it catches up.
As the sun popped its rays through my bedroom window my phone rang, it was the clinic with an update.
Of the eight embryos collected
7 were mature
5 were good enough to inject with sperm
3 fertilised
We have 3 future children!
Good one.
Unfortunately though we wont be able to go ahead with a fresh embryo transfer as we had planned , dyssynchrony with the endometrium = My lining was only 7mm (8mm is optimal for E.T).
Not sure what happens from here now.
Will receive a call Saturday to find out how the embryos are developing.
1st ultrasound scan today, to count the follicles and check endometrium lining thickness.
Keeping in mind, we know that we wont get many but any figure is a excellent number.
As usual my left ovary decided to play hide and seek- so the Nurse moved on to the right ovary.
There they were , 3 good sized follicles.
Back over to the left still no luck in finding anything else but the fact I was full of crap.
So the Nurses decided to pull out the big guns, and one nurse went off to find the head gynaecologist, while the other was still poking around.
I asked pokey nurse, ‘would it help if I applied some pressure on my side?’
“Can’t hurt to try she said” and bam there it was stuck right up in my bowels.
Still not the best visual but we could make out two smaller follicles.
Then walked in the Gyno…. ‘Well done” he said not just on finding the ovary but on making a handful of follicles. He looked very impressed. “Good work, good work “ he said walking back out with a super big grin.
I felt as if I had just won a scholarship or scored top of my entire school.
Also my endo lining was 7mm right on track where it should be.
Today was the long awaited HCG (Human chorionic gonadotropin) blood test. 11 days past 6 day frozen embryo transfer.
Knew I was out 9 days past embryo transfer, done two home pregnancy tests that day – Both came back with A lonely single line.
But somehow still thought to myself, maybe it implanted late and there’s not enough HCG To be detected yet. And carried on obsessively symptom checking.
10 days past embryo transfer.
My goodness the days become years at this stage.
Took another test at lunchtime – Turned it face down (Russian roulette style) during the dreadful 3 minute wait, Fuck- Single line again.
How is it possible that I clung onto so much unrealistic hope …..Obviously because I want it so fucking badly, thats how. Remaining unusually positive-justifying different reasons why the HPT didn’t work – the brand maybe ? It was an old one. The time I peed? Crinone- can that effect the test? Dashes to check with google…….leads to more questions. Far out- Why do I do this every time!!!
This entire two week wait I had no spotting what so ever!
And no pregnancy symptoms either.
Heartbroken and numb.
I’ll walk forward through this pain and do it all again.
A couple days, before my high hopes were bought right back down to reality I stumbled upon an old quote which hit me right in the feels……………
With all of this COVID19 pandemic, I was lucky to even be able to go ahead with any kind of IVF treatment.
Lucky I completed a full cycle of stimulation and had the egg retrieval last month and not this month. Our clinic has canceled all other procedures for the time being. Was really banking on getting this little embryo in my uterus before the Australian Government completely locks us down. My heart goes out to those who are currently in a position who aren’t able to be so fortunate.
Today was our lucky day.
At 10:45am I was scheduled for legs up in the air.
Arrived at the fertility clinic right on time, with a partial full bladder as instructed. Only to be told the Doctor was running late. Ok thats cool I thought….15 mins goes by ……Bladder filling up even more now…..20 mins goes past……oh my gosh I really need to pee. 24 mins late now.
The receptionist comes out and says ‘ you can let a little out if you need to, there is still one more person before you and the doctor hasn’t arrived yet’. And just as she finished saying that….. BAM The doctor flys through the door. Oh thank goodness I thought…..’Its okay’ I reply, “I’ll hold on to my bladder”.
Tell ya what, talk about kegel exercises – this was next level!
Pushing it to the limit – 40 minutes past the scheduled transfer. Busting to wee SO BAD. Finally got called in.
Running down the hallway alongside the nurse that is completely aware I may piss every where at any second. Ripped off my pants so fast that it could have been a party trick. Got into the treatment room and was ready for an embryo transfer.
They raised me to the ceiling ……tilted me back, lined up the ultrasound wand on my pelvis and bang ….the computer screen turns off!
Not enough time to panic before the screen comes back on. In goes the speculum (DRY) then the catheter and now here comes our embryo! With glue this time.
Ultrasound screen freezes. Not to worry, embryologist leapt to the rescue. Hit few buttons and we were back viewing a glowing dot on the screen. Embryo is where it should be. Dr counted 15 seconds on the clock before removing the catheter, then we were done.
This being my sixth round with this amazing fertility team the vibe was a lot more relaxed, bum out don’t care, assisting the nurse where I can, because I know the procedure so well. The staff have become family. It’s quite touching how much they all really want this as much as I do.
Heres thinking of you baby 2BB.
To promote and stabilise this pregnancy our treatment plan is to take : Aspirin 100mg ; to thin my blood aiming to help with implantation process. Prednisolone 15mg ; to Suppress my immune system, reducing immune cells called “Natural Killer Cells” which can help promote pregnancy.
Also took 17 days of Doxycline 100mg leading up to this frozen embryo transfer, to aid in warding off any possible infections.
Day after egg retrieval, feeling pretty groggy and sore. To be expected. No abnormal bleeding.
I got the call from the lab around lunch time.
Right away I could tell something was up by her voice and the way she said hello..it was all in the delivery of her tone and the subtle ‘tut’ sounds she made before beginning her sentences. I just wanted to interrupt her and say, “give me the bad news first”…but I didn’t.
“Well’ she said……Of the 4 eggs collected
One was an empty shell (kind of how I feel right now I thought)
The other was not suitable for fertilization as it had dark spots (haven’t yet asked what that meant).
The remaining two eggs were good enough for fertilization.
Out of those two Eggs……
One egg fertilized with Mr.R’s Sperm. (She did give me the bad news first)
So pleased! We got one.
That one could be THE one!
And it only takes one.
Thanking my lucky stars right now.
Will receive another embryo update on Monday 17th Feb.
Wishing ,hoping, praying and visualizing this little embryo continues to develop to a blastocyst stage and far, far beyond.
Scheduled to be at the fertility clinic by 7:30 am. We arrived 20 minutes early and eager. There were only three of us booked on for collection at the clinic and I was first on the list. Met With my anesthetist and the embryologist. Changed into my fancy blue gown and was prepped and ready for theater by 8am.
Arrived nice and early
Laying under the big bright lights with my legs wide apart and my bottom wedged in a hole, I feel a prick in my arm and before I know it I’m waking up in the recovery room.
Takes a few moments to get my brain back into my body and realize where I am.
Raise up my hand to see if there’s a number written on my palm …..and there it is the number 4.
Four….Better than none I tell myself.
Four is better than one!
Why are my eyes filling with tears until they explode down my cheeks? I should be happy.
So I sit in recovery and cry for an hour.
Accidental sad shot, thought I’d put this up because its real
But its okay, I’m happy to have four. Maybe I’m mourning my lost embryos. Maybe I’m hormonal. Maybe this is such a difficult experience for a woman to go through and that its not an easy process and takes its toll, no matter how brave or strong you try to be. Maybe this is just one version of what a warrior looks like. And i’m okay with that!
Came to realize I’m lucky to have 4 eggs
Mr.R came and picked me up and we went for a stroll down to the beach before heading home
The lab will call tomorrow 15/2/2020 with an update on the eggs and fertilization.
Since the very start of this cycle I had the strongest intuition about this round being the one, even when they wanted to cancel on the first scan I pleaded that we continue. This could be our future child in this batch.
This was a completely different kind of stimulation than we’ve tried before. Was supposed to be shorter than what we’ve tried in the past……but as I’ve learned… when it comes to IVF not everything turns out as planed. With most things in life I guess.
Treatment Plan
We started on the 27th of January, came into this round refreshed, relaxed and optimistic. Instead of an injection to start things off we used “{Synarel – A nasal spray}. So pleased that I didn’t have to brave an injection ….Just yet! Also began a course of {Doxycycline-antibiotics}to avoid any possible infection of the uterus when we get to the embryo transfer.
Cycle day 3 Out came the big guns…an unusual preloaded syringe called ”Elonva”.
Safety Syringe
By cycle day 5 I began to experience all the wonderful side effects that IVF meds have to offer. From bloating, sore nipples and the odd dizzy spell and of course I tried to contain the mood swings, but nope, out of my control (sometimes).
Cycle day 8 was the first follical scan and blood works. Feeling good about how everything was progressing, and looking forward to seeing how many follicles I’ve pushed out.
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WAIT WHAT?
Even the nurse looked shocked. After a quick review of our last IVF round they contemplated on cancelling.
Reason being we only have one straw of frozen sperm left and they felt it would be a waste to defrost it all just for one follicle. But I felt otherwise.
I said “We don’t mind if we go ahead and risk it, It could be theone!’.
‘Not up to us really” said the nurse’s, “we have to run it past your specialist first, then we will call you this afternoon”.
I returned back to work …mind was miles away….constantly one eye on the mobile phone.
Finally the fertility clinic called right before I knocked off work…….Thank goodness….no cancellation.
Instead I begin {450iu of Menopure} as well as the synarel spray.
Menopure CD8
Were going to continue for a couple more days and see what happens…..
Waiting for a scan CD10
Cycle day 10– Back for another scan and more blood works. Anxious to see what the transvaginal had to show…..Lo and behold more follicles grew. There were 3 in my left ovary that were under developed and 2 in my right, one large well developed follicle (the original 1st egg) and one medium size.
Because there is only 1 follicle that’s viable for collection at this stage we had to make a decision as weather to ;
cancel?
Keep going with stimulation & hope to grow more and risk loosing the viable egg?
Or harvest the one big egg and loose the rest?
Far out……this decision isn’t easy nor is it entirely up to Mr.R and I, our fertility specialist has the final say.
Again after hours of waiting, I hear my phone ringing …. the call with the verdict. Yes, we can continue on and try to grow the other follicles to maturity and possibly risk loosing the current viable follicle.
That sounds like a better plan than cancellation! Happy with that. So I continue on with the menopure and wait till the next scan.
Weird….Could taste the menopure moments after my injection. Is this normal?
Cycle day 12 back to the clinic again, all follicles still there.Developing slowly. Continue with Menopure and Synarel.
Tell you one thing tho, not sure if this Synarel is better or worse than orgalutran and Gonal f injections?? The Synarel burns my brain (feels that way at least). My nose runs like a tap moments after spraying then the sneezing starts. And after blowing all the expensive medication out and wondering if it’s actually working, my sinuses completely block up. Only to start it all over again morning and night.
Cycle day 15 , guess who back, back again! Back to the clinic, for a scan.
Fertility clinic waiting room
Seven follicles
Fantastic….7 follicles seen all up. There are 4 on the left ovary and 3 on the right. You little beauty! But because they were a bit slow at the beginning they need a bit more time to grow. More menopure injections for me, yay.
Seen as though iv’e been on medication for an extended period of time, my progesterone level is now to high to continue with a fresh embryo transfer. Meaning my body is ready to ovulate and getting geared up for a period. The specialist believes it would be a waste of a good embryo if we put one in my uterus this late during cycle. My uterus lining is now becoming thinner and the embryo wouldn’t have enough time to implant before being flushed away.
We will still go ahead with egg collection and fertilisation, but instead of transferring a fresh embryo this round, we will freeze them and use them next month.
Mixed emotions with this news. Happy the cycle wasn’t cancelled and I managed to grow any eggs at all. Happy we got more than one follicle to fertilise. But also disappointed with my body. And the fact I’ve been tested on my patience yet AGAIN.
Hopefully one last and final scan……
Cycle day 17 okay after a night of no sleep, we were up early and at the clinic by 8am for our bloods and scan. Standing out the front of the clinic Mr.R and I had a petty argument. I stormed off and went inside for my scan, leaving him standing out the front. Think my hormones got the better of me, poor Mr.R. Checked in at reception all flushed and anxious, Aching for good news. And good news it was. Surprisingly the first original follicle was still there and it was an absolute giant according to the nurses. All the others were looking a mature size, viable for collection on Valentines Day!
Finally cycle day 17 and tonight is trigger time! Booked in for egg collection on cycle day 19 Friday 14/2/2020.
It was a Harvest full moon and it was our Anniversary of….a longtime together.
We were booked in for egg retrieval.
Yep, we went through yet another cycle of IVF,making this our fifth embryo transfer and our third round of stimulation injections.
Lucky number three.
This time our fertility specialist upped the dose and tweaked it a bit in hope for more eggs.
Drug order was:Menopur300 ui
Ovidrel250 mcg
Orgalutran 250 mcg
Crinone 8% 90mgm
Had a good run with it.
Didn’t really experience any dramatic hormonal side affects.
Although on the first follicular scan they only found 3 and they were underdeveloped
I had to remain on injections longer than I have before. 12 days of shots in the belly at this stage.
Then had a 2nd scan done, three more days of shots, and finally – they found 4 good sized follicles ready for harvest.
Yay, on cycle day 14 I stoped hormones and had the trigger shot to release those eggs for retrieval.
Ready for egg retrieval!
Then came…………………………….Friday the 13th
When I woke from anesthetic, had a tiny number 7 written in black pen on my palm.
That’s the best yet! Lucky number 7.
Mr R came and greeted me with a bunch of flowers and a big hug.
When this photo was taken I had no idea my dad had passed away yet.
We did it babe! HaPpY AnNiVeRsArY!
Home we went to rest, and think about how fertilisation is going every spare moment.
Must had fallen asleep as I woke on the lounge to my phone ringing.
Mr R was about to switch it on silent when I said “Wait , it may be my boss could you answer and tell her I’m asleep”.
Curling back up to return to my slumber I hear Mr R mention My Dad’s name, when I turned to look at at him I notice he was ghostly white and seems shocked.
“Who is it?’ I call out.
He covers the mouth piece and said “It’s your Dad….Your Dad died”.
Everything became a blur from that point on.
Having to travel 6 hours interstate.
Organise a funeral.
Travel back home for an embryo transfer.
Then travel back interstate for the ceremony.
Clean my fathers home and belongings up In time to return to work, already had so much time off due to IVF, had to return.
I had no time to think about myself during the two week wait (2WW).
Which in retrospect was a good thing I guess.
Except one thought that lingered.
When I told the Nurses at the fertility clinic about dad’s sudden passing, they all said one thing they have experienced many times while working there that “when there’s a death there always comes life afterwards”.
This gave me hope and saddened me.
To cut a long story short ,
The embryo did not stick around
1 of the 7 was damaged
1 died
4 fertilised – But weren’t developing fast enough and not fit for freezing
From 7 to none.
Its been 3 months after this dark period.
Have been a fake smiling, dragging one foot in front of the other trying to keep on keeping on.
Since then have not embarked on another round of IVF.
But instead ~ had a Hystoroscopy and an endometrial biopsy.
Our Specialist wanted to check the uterus make sure there’s no scar tissue, polyps or anything nasty going on in there.
And thank the heavens the results came back good!
Squeaky clean.
No issues down there.
Three weeks post-op my thyroid is a tad wonky and I have blood showing up in urine.
GP believes the blood could simply be inflammation from the hysteroscopy.
Was given a course of antibiotics ~
And now will have to follow up with my GP in the coming weeks.
Cant wait for a fresh new year. 2020 is going to be a good year!
🌀 20th July 2019 marked one year since our silent miscarriage.
{One whole entire year , gosh where the heck did those 365 days go??.}
22nd July 2019 we embarked upon another attempt at trying to conceive.
Our 4th effort.
This round was another natural (no hormones) frozen embryo transfer.
Nice and simple.
But at the same time pressure wasmounting.
Not only being our very last frozen embryo in storage…..
Just days before the transfer, I came down with a sneaky sore throat.
Naively thinking this was a one off. I dismissed it as nothing and gargled salt water in hopes to rid of any nasties.
But woke the next morning, crook as a dog.
Dam it!!!!
Terribly concerned I rang the nurses at the fertility clinic to ask for advice.
Nurse Michelle told me “as long as you don’t have a fever, it should be fine to proceed with the transfer ” and she finished with saying “But try not to get any worse!”
Great!
This cycle wasn’t a good start from the get go.
Remembering back, this little Embaby was a slow grower in the lab … while the others embryos developed to a 10 cell on day 3 after fertilization, this little one was only a 5 cell. Grade 3AB.
Being in two minds about my current situation I remained cautiously optimistic.
Made it to transfer day with only minor flu like symptoms and no high temperature.
The procedure went without a hitch and was all done in 5 minutes.
On the drive back home I nearly side swiped a taxi,due to my own negligence.
Evading confrontation. Made it safely back, wiped the sweat from my brow and plonked down on the lounge.
This was just the beginning of a whirlwind two week wait ahead.
Had an inkling not to go ahead with this cycle during a mercury retrograde.
Even my mum an (astrologer) suggested waiting.
Should have listened but waiting is not my forte right now.
A summary of the first couple days during the 2WW:
I became terribly unwell with some kind of weird head cold- lost my voice completely.
Had a total communication breakdown with the one person who’s supposed to be my rock during all of this.
The company I work for constructed a new budget and decided to cut my hours in half.
Ended up in hospital with a head injury a day after the transfer.
Our family doctor of 9 years unexpectedly took leave for 6 months, forging us to start from scratch with an unfamiliar GP.
Relief staff that were supposed to cover my shifts during my period off to “relax” weren’t turning up to work.
Manager frantically relying on me to take on her responsibility’s.
Screw You universe I thought.
4 days past embryo transfer I was totally overwhelmed and far to sick to deal with any thing.
It’s no surprise that 7 days past transfer aunt flow came with the vengeance.
This time I felt numb no tears just disappointment.
But some how deep In my bones I know it’s going to be okay.
Fortunately I’m lucky to be in a position where I’m able to financially afford to have another crack at doing this.
Each attempt Has literally helped me become a healthier and better educated incubator.
I’m actually looking forward to moving forward.
Have left the self pity party behind and jumped back on the self love wagon heading towards the future.
Next appointment with our specialist is the 13/8/19
The break was unexpectedly not as anxious ridden as I thought it would be, in fact it was great to let my hair down, drink coffee and eat salami.
But as the trajectory of 2019 was rapidly moving I was keen to jump back on this baby making business.
Finally my periods returned back to normal near the end of January.
But my darn white blood cell count was still High. ???
Our Fertility specialist noticed this to be a reoccurring abnormality and wanted me to do some investigation by following this up with a GP.
Holding off IVF until my WCC (white cell count) was within a normal range.
Dam it, “I’m sick of waiting” I thought.
So back to the Doctors…Dr wanted to wait ANOTHER 4 weeks and then do more bloods to see if it got any worse, and if so, I would need to see a hematologist.
Felt like this investigation was going to be a whole lot of needle in a haystack kind of searching.
2018 I had some sinus issues around Christmas time.
Thankfully the Dr sent me for a CT scan which reviled a hidden tooth infection.
I’d forgotten all about this until now. Off to the dentist & had the darn tooth extracted. Turned out it was completely dead anyway.
Waited a few more weeks and what do you know…… White Blood Cell’s back down with in normal range.
*Does a happy dance*
By this time it’s now April, eagerly I rang the fertility clinic and told them the good news.
After the fertility specialist reviewed my new healthy blood count, we were given the green light for round three 😁😁😁
This time was a lot different than the last two, no medication no stimulation, nothing!
Completley natural frozen embryo transfer. Also was our first time ever at trying a FET cycle.
A straight forward and stress free procedure,compared to the last two fresh embryo transfers.
Not a raging emotional mess of a woman, but rather calm, centered and easygoing. It’s a bloody fantastic way to do IVF!!!
On the 3rd of May our lil Embaby was strategically and carefully placed into my uterus and the 2WW began.
Began without any apprehensions. Carried on the days without focusing on every little symptom. Didn’t even go near google this time around and managed to avoid social media.
Until the heavy night sweats began, I decided rather than comparing myself to others, in those 2WW forums.( Never got any real answers that could help me during my past times of desperation for answers).
Instead I referred back to my own past experiences. Id recorded a list of symptoms during my last two go’s at the 2WW. one resulting in pregnancy and the other didn’t stick.
So when I seen extreme night sweating = Pregnancy last time, I was sure that this was a positive sign.
Really enjoying this happy fantasy and the idea of this embryo implanting I managed to have great experience during this 2WW.
Until the day before mother’s day.
11th of May, eight days past five day embryo transfer and it was all over.
After our follow up with the fertility specialist in October, still no definitive answer to all my abnormalities. Dr wanted to try me on 10mg of Provera for 21 days in attempt to halt my irregular menstrual bleeding. Once I’d completed 21 days, I was to wait until day 5 of the next period and start another 21 days of Provera.
The idea was to reset my internal cycle back to normal.
But not everything went to plan. And I was toat’s cool with that – learning to adapt revise and survive! After 12 days taking Provera and 17 days of bleeding, the Doctor decided to up my dose to 20 mg per day.
But 21 days later and still bleeding. Turns out there wasn’t a period to wait for – Still had one going from the month before.
My specialist had a meeting with some other specialists and done some brainstorming.
Their conclusion was this can be a normal reaction. Push on with the next course of Provera and back to 10 mg per day. Righty-o.
By this stage I’d fallen flat on my arse, felt so weak and exhausted.
Thirty days of continuous bleeding WTF!! Not only did I feel flat, my mental health had taken a rapid decline. Numb. Antisocial. Irritable. Low. Miserable. Withdrawn. Tearful. Angry. Helpless. Uninterested. Became sucked into a vortex of self-hate.
FINALLY on round two and day two of Provera the bleeding stopped. Fanfuckingtastic!!!
Spoke with our specialist about how I was feeling. She said “it’s the Provera, in some instances can make you depressed.” If you feel you’re able to cope a little longer “she asked?” Let’s see how this final treatment goes. She ran a full blood count; iron levels came back good, which was surprising.
Now at the end of HRT and I haven’t had a bleed for 18 days. So seems my body is syncing back to its normal cycle, rather than bleeding for an entire month.
Been off of that wretched Provera for 7 days and already feel like that heavy darkness has lifted away.
No more tests, Doctors appointments or any IVF related activities until the 19th Jan 2019.
Creating a child will always be on the forefront of my mind, but a break from all this sounds wonderful!
Going to hit the refresh button for the New Year ahead!
Seems to be one thing after the other at the moment. Just haven’t been able to get back to middle ground.
After our miscarriage at the end of July I got my next period rather early.
Only a couple of weeks break & the uterus had fallen back into her old ways.
But then 5 days of bleeding turned into 10 days, then 15 days and finally stopped on day 20.
I was made aware that irregular periods are common after miscarriage and didn’t think much of it other than that.
Until we spoke with our fertility clinic at the end of August. (5 weeks later)
My specialist performed an examination – pelvic swabs , ultrasound and bloods which showed I had a slight tear in my uterus and had caused an infection.
After two courses of antibiotics, that gave me thrush.And a Diflucan tablet to clear the yeast infection.
I thought all was well…and then the second period came.
Bright red and heavy.
I took this as a good sign that the lining was fresh and clear of infection.
But after 15 days of bleeding I began to wonder otherwise.
Off for more pelvic scans and bloods.
Turns out I have a name for my infection now……..
‘Endometritis’.
*On a side note;
Endometritis is different from endometriosis, though both conditions affect the lining of the uterus.
These last couple of weeks I’ve been taking another two lots of antibiotics; Cefalexin and Flagyl. hopefully they will do the trick.
It’s been 14 days since Baby moved into my uterus.
Have felt absolutely amazing. Other than-
Moment I open my eyes these last few mornings, I’ve had a sickly feeling in my guts that turns into instant starvation. But as soon as I smash breakfast down, that feeling goes away.
Breasts still tender- need a sleeping bra now with lots of padding.
Nails growing fast and stronger than ever before!
My hair is becoming darker than normal: turning from a light mousey brown to a dark brown.
Still extremely bloated – could be mistaken for 3 months pregnant. I don’t mind 😁
Yesterday it felt like I had PMS today that’s gone.
My bowel movement’s have been outstanding! Only constipated once in the last 14 days. Good old weet-Bix doing its job there.
Ive always been super intune with my body, and swear that these last 3 days I’ve felt Baby and I connecting together. It’s like a deep internal pulling pressure sensation. It’s truly amazing!
Had a digital HPT left over and Mr.R wanted to see what the new reading says compared to our first digital test that read ‘Pregnant 2-3 weeks” tonight it’s “3+Weeks”!!!
9 extremely long hours I paced around and waited for the clinic to call with our results.
At 4:30pm my phone rang………..I could hear the smile in the nurses Hello.
Congratulations …..”Your Pregnant” She laughed. At 2 weeks pregnant your levels are good, their 442!
The nurse also said I don’t need to come in for another HCG test….And can go ahead and book my first 7 week scan.
OH MY GOSH! THIS IS ACTUALLY REAL!!!
I was at work when the call came through….and couldn’t wait to get home and tell MR.R.
Words just aren’t enough right now! I’m so so so so so happy. On cloud nine. Feel like the luckiest person alive right now! I’m so thankful!! so grateful! Already love this beautiful being so much. Loved you before you were conceived. Will love you unconditionally. I want you to know you are a dream come true!
I felt you were special from the moment you were transferred. You tickled my insides and have been doing so ever since.
So happy right now…..May you continue to grow strong and healthy sweet baby…cant wait to see you around the 27th of June and 4th of July.
Completely submerged in happiness the last few days.
Can’t help but check my nether regions every couple of seconds, whether i’m in the shops, driving or at work – anywhere really just checking to make sure.
I felt the need to do another H.P.T last night, as I hoped it turned out to be another positive. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Tomorrow is the official HCG blood test. That will be the validation I need to reassure my mind this is real.
Will get my results back the same day. So glad because I cant wait much longer.
Really hope baby is flourishing and blooming strong in there. xxx
The first night in weeks that I didn’t sweat!!! Nothing at all, it was fantastic waking up dry. Hope this is another good sign.
No spotting – nothing since the 3rd of May.
Feel’s like Aunt Flow is coming today , really hope she goes on vacation for the next 9 months!
Dull sore lower back.
Have a dry blocked nose today.
Not bloated. , but have a sore left ovary.
Stitch above my pelvis, after some light walking.
Achy/heavy legs.
Verry tired all day.
I waited until 9:15 Pm before doing a digital H.P.T.
Decided to use the method of dipping it in a cup of urine instead of peeing on it. % seconds later ……………………
The little loading symbol flashed, my heart raced, I stared intently at the display screen. I waited for what felt like forever…..still nothing – then BAM there she was:
Haven’t been able to take my eyes of that word pregnant!!! Oh my gosh!
There are no actual words right now that can express this immense joy I’m feeling right now.
I’m in complete shock!
This is an absolute dream come true. So much love. So much happiness.
14 years of trying,hoping and praying for you! And here you are.
Before planting my feet on the floor, I quickly checked to see if there was any more spotting. PHEW, thank goodness there was nothing.
Praying yesterday was implantation bleeding……
Couldn’t wait any longer! I had to do a home pregnancy test – at 5:55 Am I hovered over a stick and prayed to the god’s above.
3 minutes went past and a faint line appeared…..couldn’t believe what I was seeing!!
Never have I EVER seen two lines…. and my brain did not compute for a moment. But my heart knew, and was pounding hard. Excitement is an understatement….the line is faint but it’s visible. *does happy dance
Mr. R is walking around the house – fist pumping up in the air and laughing to himself.
WOW this is the moment we have been dreaming of and it feels so surreal right now! I want to do another H.P.T right away, but will delay for now. Now its just a matter of getting through the rest of this day without becoming profoundly anxious. Many mixed emotions. Got a good feeling but doubt is ever present.
It’s now 2:30 Pm and so far no more spotting. This is a good sign. I’ts a safety point; on this same day – Cycle day 7 of our first round, marked the day our cycle came to an end. So far so good!
At 2:40 Pm I felt the need to try another H.P.T just to be certain.
Test #2 another faint line….will wait until tomorrow night and try again on a digital H.P.T.
If I get through all of tomorrow with out any spotting, i’ll feel confident that this is a really really REALLY good omen.
New side effects/symptoms today:
Dripping a creamy discharge this afternoon, didn’t experience this back in January’s IVF – just clumpy pessary mess. My body seems to be absorbing the pessaries much better this time around.
Twinges in my pelvis.
Slight burn/hot fanny sensation. – thinking its the progesterone tablets.
Ovaries feel really sore and swollen.
Cramps around lover front of my tummy. – Not bloated
Still having night sweating- especially around my groin.
Tender breasts.
Smelling wafts of vanilla every where!
Hang in there beautiful baby , we love you. xxxx
(5:55 am H.P.T – This picture doesn’t do it much justice, but there is a faint line there)
All symptoms have been fairly consistent since the embryo transfer. Not a lot has differed over the last few days, until today.
Today I feel brilliant, like the feeling you get after doing a really good poo.
No bloating or cramping.
No headache.
Still experiencing night sweat’s, and it’s the most horrible thing to wake up to when it’s freezing cold.
Verry, verry tried by the time late afternoon rolls in.
Had an sore/achy left knee – Weird, thought i’d note this down as a symptom because it’s really quiet bothersome and just came out of nowhere. Hurts more while laying down (So strange).
At 10 PM I noticed spotting, a tiny pea sized amount that was pinkish in colour.
Then again at 11 PM another tiny drop.
Far out brussel sprout talk about panic….. Full fledged anxiety had kicked in.
No amount of googling or checking my previous symptoms were going to help put my mind at ease – only lead to more doubt. More question’s.
It’s been 8 months since my miscarriage at 17weeks. In this period I’ve had a good detox off any kind of IVF stimulating drugs, steroids, blood thinners ect. For three months I’ve been taking a low dose Melatonin as an antioxidant to help improve egg quality. On and off over 5 years my white cell count has remained high along with neutrophil count and eosinophil count. So for this reason my IVF specialist has been liaising with a couple different Hemotology doctors to investigate this further. Hence the long 8 month break. I’ve been tested for different types cancers and thankfully has all come back negative. Waiting for these tests was a scary period. Upon further investigation it seems to point to either I have some sort of infection or inflammation that my blood cells are trying to fight off so yesterday off I went to have the biggest blood test I’d ever had to date. 22 vials , 40 minutes of draining my poor veins….I ended up like a snake on the floor. (Needles are my #1 fear) get the results back in two weeks. #ivfmarathon #ivfexperiences #melatonin #bloodtestssuck #trueivfwarrior
(Second HPT)
The Pipeless Lovers Journey through I.V.F 